Your Love Is Just A Lie (A Davekat Fanfiction)
by AllTheFandomFics
Summary: After a few nights of staying awake by the telephone and constantly drifting off to sleep alone, a certain nubby horned troll begins to suspect something going on with his boyfriend. How oblivious does he think he is?
1. Prologue

*****Your name is KARKAT VANTAS ******

My eye lids were slowly feeling like they were a one of those metal weights to slow down a human boat, and I thought about where that fucking idiot Dave was. The voice teleportation device was beginning to feel cold in my hands as I waited for its alarm to go off, hoping that Dave's voice would be transferred through it eventually.

My grey fingers pressed into its on button and the light rays emitted from the screen burned my eyes and I quickly dropped it, causing it to slam on my face and for me to hiss. Damn human technology and its inconvenient burning eyes properties.

I managed to find the speech capsule on the green square and wrote to the contact labeled "coolest boyfriend ever." That jerkhole had changed it and didn't tell me how to change it back, so I was stuck with the 'stupidest' label ever for him.

I listened as my fingers clicked on the letters to spell "WHERE IN GOG'S GOD DAMN NAME ARE YOU? OR ARE YOU NOT SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT AT 2 O'CLOCK YOU SHOULD BE HERE?". It was only then that I read the speech capsule that had been sent above from him that I hadn't seen before.

I read it multiple times, trying to register what it was, but no matter how many times I repeated the act of reading it, my stupid, tired brain didn't let me. After the hundredth fucking attempt, it wasn't long before I crawled beneath the woolen human blankets, and my head got the best of me, and I fell asleep under the cold sheets.


	2. Why Do I Smell Cherries? - Chapter 1

_BESIDES THE TITLE, I SWEAR TO GOD THERE IS NO CUTTING OR SELF HARM INVOLVED._

 _*******TIMEEE SKIPPP*******_

I woke up and moved around, a warm,comfy feeling around me as I arranged my position under the human blanket. Though they might have the shittiest eye burning technology ever, I had to admit that their sleeping gear was TOLERABLE. I nuzzled into the pillow and felt its warm skin against me.

WAIT. WAIT A MOTHERFUCKING SECOND. WHAT THE FUCK? SLEEPING GEAR DOES. NOT. HAVE. SKIN. My eyes flew open in a hurry and met Dave's sleeping, calm face. He tightened his arms around where he had been hugging my waist, and I shrunk a bit, holding my breath for a while. He knew that I was sensitive in that area, but I bet stupid ass sleep mode Dave didn't.

Even though I was short of breath and I still had tired sleep voice, I still whispered under my breath. "Goddammit, Strider. Motherfucking asshole. Fuck, shit, fuck, shit." As I tried to pull his hands off me without waking him up. I mean, I couldn't just sit there and wait for him to wake up, that could take hours, and I knew from experience. He wasn't like that Rose human who woke up early in the morning. My stomach was already screaming for me to have some food in it, and I couldn't just slowly starve. I'd have to be like that idiot from one of Dave's movies who was stupid enough to get his arm trapped under a massive earth rock and had to chop off his arm or die. That asshole had such bad taste in movies, honestly, why did I even watch that? There wasn't even any social concept, just a guy having a man period on his arm.

By now, I was wriggling around in his grip, before deciding that if that fucking guy didn't wake up now, he was really asleep and I could just rip his hands apart if I wanted to and he wouldn't wake up. But, then I decided to be nice and just peeled his hands from my waist. Haha, guess who was gonna get morning food now. Not you, Strider.

As I made another waffle to go with the first for myself using the waffle iron, I heard fast footsteps from behind me, and turned around. The large spoon I'd used to poor the mix into the iron soon changed its position in my hands to the way you'd hold a weapon. "WHO'S THERE!?" I shouted, shaking slightly. I watched as a large blur of black with a glint of what must have been glasses ran quickly past the doorframe. "JOHN?!" I yelled, confusedly and ran towards the hallways, just in time to hear the main door slam closed, the intruder having run away. "GODDAMNIT." I yelled, annoyed.

Quickly, I rushed around, making sure that nothing had been stolen, and strangely enough, nothing had. What the fuck could he have wanted if he didn't steal anything? Our house wasn't some sort of shelter for him to stay in for no reason at anytime.

It wasn't like he'd come to our house to fuck with anyone like it was some motel. I mean, the only two people he could possibly fuck in the house were Dave and I, and John couldn't be so stupid to screw things up that much. Humans were pretty stupid, but they couldn't be that stupid. I'd never fuck him, anyways, I was with Dave. Dave couldn't fuck with him either, I think.

Before I had the chance to build on the doubts that spun through my head, I could smell the second waffle from in the kitchen and I went back to take them out of the iron to make sure it wouldn't burn or stick.

As I fiddled with taking it out so it could get with the other waffle, I heard what I knew were Dave's sleepy footsteps from anywhere. "'Morning, Kitkat." He said, followed by a yawn as he moved in closer to me.

"Morning." I said, sounding more rushed and grumpier than I had intended. The blond wrapped his arms around my shoulders as I worked to put the waffle on a plate with its other. He leant his head onto my shoulder and landed a morning kiss on my cheek, but I felt nothing.

"What? No, Dave or Strider or jerkhole of a boyfriend?" He asked, and though I hadn't turned around to even look at him, I could already sense the smirk that was coming onto his face. I didn't reply and the room was in an awkward silence for a few moments. "Waffles for breakfast, huh? Awesome." He said, filling the empty space, and reaching for the plate, only for me to slap his hand out of the way.

"OH NO, I WORKED HARD ON THOSE. YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN MORNING FOOD." I yelled. He'd had to get used to my morning yelling, but never failed to make little remarks on it, which he fit in right now.

"Jeez, Kitkat, chill." He said, taking a step back after peeling his arms off me. Finally, I turned to face him and found that he was wearing his shades. "DAVE, WHY ARE YOU WEARING YOUR FUCKING SHADES?" He never wore his shades around me anymore.

At first, he'd worn them because he was scared everyone would think he was a freak with red eyes, some sort of demon. After I'd snatched them off his face and seen them for myself, he'd gone into a nervous state, spilling the story out to me. I then told him how I'd lived my whole life with candy red blood, and how I was the only person to have it on the whole planet, a mutant blood. Now that we lived in the same house, he'd never worn shades around me. I guess it was to show how if he didn't care that I knew, I shouldn't care that he knew about my blood, and that we shouldn't be shy around one another.

"What? Can I not wear shades around you?" He argued back, defending himself. "They're just shades."

"YOU NEVER WEAR THOSE SUNGLASSES AROUND ME, DON'T DENY ME, YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT."

"So what if I feel like wearing my shades? What's wrong with that?" Strider questioned.

"YOU ONLY WEAR THOSE WHEN SOMEONE ELSE IS IN THE HOU-" I bit my tongue sharply at the words, causing it to hurt badly, but at least I'd stopped myself.

"Karkat, you know there's no one else." My 'boyfriend' said looking all fucking innocent standing in front of me, even though there was a hint of nervousness in his voice. I assumed he was looking deeply into my eyes, but I couldn't tell because of those stupid ass shades. Why did he even think he looked cool in them?

"Never-thucking-mind" I said, tongue having gone numb. The thick taste of cherry cough syrup began to diffuse around my mouth, goddamn these sharp teeth. SHOOT, I SOUND LIKE THAT NERD WITH THE SEXUAL OBSESSION WITH BEES AND. I'M. BLEEDING. THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER UGH, FUCK LUCK. FUCK LIFE. FUCK ME. I swung back around so that I didn't have to look at him and rubbed the back of my hand on my mouth and saw a tinge of red cover it, making me rub it furiously with the other hand to get the color out.

"You know what?" I started, tongue still being as useless as ever and feeling a drop of blood accumulating at the end of my mouth. Gog, I needed to get away before he found out I was bleeding. "I don't theel like having waffleth, you can have them." I slid the waffles away from where I was on the counter, and pushed past Dave, hand covering mouth but the air around me starting to smell slightly of artificial cherry candy, much like the cherry human cough remedy.

"Karkat?" Dave said, worriedly, probably recognizing the smell, but I continued up to my room, needing to get to the bathroom as quick as possible. I couldn't stand the taste of my blood, even though a few people thought it smelled and tasted nice. Once there, I bent over the sink and began spluttering out the small amount of blood that accumulated from when I'd had to stop from swallowing it.

I rinsed it out with water until there was no smell from my mouth, just that horrible taste. The bathroom was a completely different matter, the whole thing smelling completely of cherries, and made me dizzy. Everywhere I looked, I could see a tinge of red just from tasting the smell.

"Karkat?" I heard, accompanied with a knock on the door to the bathroom. "Are you okay?" My head immediately switched to Dave, and the door not only had a tinge of red to it, but the word cheater seemed to come shooting out of it.

"Y-yeth." I replied, fuck me. Why did I have to stutter? Then he'd know something was wrong. "Just wait outthide."

Dave still didn't give up. "Karkat, dude, open the door." _cheater, cheater, unfaithful, disloyal. Why are you denying it, Karkat? Are you in denial? ARE YOU IN FUCKING DENIAL?_

"Thut up, thut up, thut up!" I whispered to myself, at least I could pronounce Ts now. "JUTHT WAIT OUTTHIDE!"

"Kar, I'm coming in!" Dave yelled, and I heard as he fiddled with the lock, making it twist, probably using one of his discs to turn it. Leaving me with no option but to swing open the door and slam it as quickly as I opened it.

"THERE I'M OUT, ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING HAPPY?" I asked panickedly in his face.

"Kitkat, were you bleeding? I smell cherries."

"I wasn't bleeding, dumbath. Come on, letth go." If he was going to hide something, I had the right to hide something from him.

"Don't joke about bleeding. It's different to just sunglasses."

"HOW IS IT ANY DIFFERENT? AND I SAID I WASN'T FUCKING BLEEDING." I snapped, waiting for him to bring up the subject about how snappy I was being today, but strangely I didn't get one. _He's hiding something, he's cheating, he's keeping secrets, he's being disloyal._

I headed for downstairs, the thoughts around him being too much to bear, but Dave caught my arm, which I tugged away. "I'm going to go for a walk." _Good job, if he doesn't care about you, then you shouldn't care about him. Do you still care for him?_ The thoughts were getting worse, I needed to get away from him.

"I'll drive you. No offense, but your direction sense isn't that good."

"I know my way around."

"Let's go back to what I just said, you have no direction se-"

"I'LL FIND MY WAY AROUND." I countered, and walked outside, without even putting on a coat in the cold autumn we were having.

" _KARKAT?_ " I heard coming from the house, not in my voice, but in Dave's. Gog, my head was doing something to me. _obscene, liar, disgraceful, cheater._

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! STOP IT." I said to know one in particular, and flailed my arms around before taking a thick grip of my hair.


	3. Temporary Happiness - Chapter 2

_This is a lot of angry raging because I got pretty carried away at this point, and this is the last thing i've written so far from it, so if u want me to continue it, give me a heads up! I mean a lot of angry raging_

I started running to the direction of town, which I at least knew was in that direction, covering my ears as I ran. The thoughts eventually died down as my breath shortened from the run. The closer I got to town and the farther I got from Dave, the more my thoughts quieted down.

I took in deep breaths as I finally reached the edible food store where everyone went, mostly for the free Wireless Fidelity system and the morning foods. My throat had tensed from the escape of the thoughts I'd tried so hard to get out of my head and I needed something to cool myself down. The thoughts were still buzzing at the back of my head, but now that I didn't have Strider's face and voice anywhere within the vicinity, they'd quieted down.

I leant onto the counter until I was finally able to stand up straight and ordered a chocolate coffee drink with ice and what seemed to be a shrunk cake. When the order came in a little bag, I carried it over to the far corner of the lounge the store had and sunk into the cushions.

It made me remember the first time I'd seen one of those cushions, and stood there bouncing slowly on it; human's were total fuckasses, but they knew something about making things soft, so I guess that made them not totally useless. Now, the shrunk cake was new; how could they possibly get it that small? Did they have a shrinkifying machine in the behind the counte- THOSE THINGS, OH MY GOD THEY TASTE NICE! AND YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GET YOUR HANDS DIRTY BECAUSE THEY WERE IN LITTLE PACKAGES, OKAY THESE SHRUNK CAKES ARE THE BEST FUCKING THING THAT EVER EXISTED. I SHOULD HAVE THESE FOR BREAKFAST EVERYDAY.

My voice teleportation device began oscillating in my pocket and I almost jumped up from shock. FOR GOG'S SAKE, IN THE MIDDLE OF ME HAVING MY FUCKING SHRUNK CAKE. OH NO, THERE WAS NO FUCKING WAY I WAS EVEN GOING TO REPLY TO THE OSCILLATIONS. THEY SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO INTERRUPT SOMEONE IN THE MIDDLE OF EATING THEIR BREAKFAST. WHAT DID THEIR STUPID ASS HUMAN LUSUS EVEN TEACH THEM?

Finally, after purposely taking my time to finish my little shrunk cake just to annoy the person on the other end, I slid the voice teleportation device out of my back pocket to check who the fuck had sent me a message. Naturally, the only shithead smart enough to have sent me a message while I was having my shrunk cake was Dave, what a prick.

 _'Had the coolest time with you yesterday, Eg, great break from the usual.'_

What the fuck was that blond talking about? Yesterday he'd pulled another 'don't-come-home-and-don't-tell-your-troll-boyfriend-where-you-went', just like he'd been doing for the past three nights in a row. AND WHO THE FUCK WAS EG? Then it hit me… John. I stood up immediately and went over to the guy at the counter. "I'm gonna need another shrunk cake." The guy looked at me with a confused look. "THE LITTLE SHRUNK CAKES IN PACKAGES, GOG."

"You mean the muffin?"

"YES, THIS MUFFIN. YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT YOU IGNORANT HUMAN?"

"Which one?"

"THE LITTLE BROWN ONE WITH CHOCOLATE BITS."

"That'll be 2 dol-"

"KEEP THE FREAKIN CHANGE." I shouted before grabbing the cupcake and shoving a 5 dollar note to him. I made a run for my house, that's it. No more keeping it at a distance and being in fucking denial. THE FASTER I GOT HOME THE QUICKER I COULD FUCKING DESTROY THAT CHEATING SON OF A BITCH.

HE HAD NO RIGHT TO KEEP IT BEHIND MY BACK, I CREATED HIM AND HIS SPECIES; I WAS HIS LEADER, YOU DON'T KEEP MOTHERFUCKING SECRETS HIDDEN FROM YOUR LEADER. THIS WASN'T GODDAMN WALKING DEAD! HOW MUCH OF AN OBLIVIOUS ASSHOLE DID HE TAKE ME TO BE? DID HE REALLY THINK THAT I WASN'T AS FUCKING ONTO HIM AS JOHN MOTHERFUCKING EGBERT WAS?

HE WAS PROBABLY EVEN ON TOP OF HIM AT THAT MOMENT, BECAUSE I'M THAT MUCH OF AN IGNORANT ASSHOLE. I BET HE WAS SLOBBERING ALL OVER HIS FACE YESTERDAY WITH THOSE UNCOORDINATED HUMAN LIPS. HE COULDN'T LAND A KISS IF HIS LIFE DEPENDED ON IT, THAT DOUCHEBAG. THAT MOTHERFUCKING DOUCHE OF A FRIEND. HE WASN'T EVEN HIGHER THAN THAT SLIME EATING MIRACLE INFATUATED CLOWN ON THE EMOTIONAL SCALE OF FRIENDSHIP!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVEN FELL FOR THAT IDIOT OF A BOYFRIEND EITHER. 'COOL', PLEASE, HE WAS A TOTAL MORON; A CHEATING, BLEACHED HAIR, MOTHERFUCKING OBSCENE, DISLOYAL, BOYFRIEND. HE COULD GOGDAMN TELL ME I WAS THE ONLY ONE, HE COULD EVEN LOOK ME IN THE EYE, BUT HE WAS JUST A FUCKING LIAR. HIS LOVE WAS A TOTAL LIE AND I WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO BELIEVE HIM AND FALL FOR IT.

IT'S HIS FAULT I'M LIKE THIS, IT'S HIS FAULT I'M SUCH A TOTAL WRECK WITH ENOUGH COMMITMENT ISSUES TO FILL UP ANOTHER SMALL UNIVERSE, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT MAKING ANYMORE UNIVERSES WITH SCREWED UP EMOTIONAL GRIEVANCES AND SICK HUMOR. STRIDER'S EVEN GOT ME RUNNING AROUND AND BACK HOME RIGHT NOW,CONTROLLING ME INDIRECTLY.

I'D SHOW HIM WHO WAS IN CHARGE, HE WASN'T EVEN THE LEADER OF ANYTHING, NOT EVEN HIS STUPID GROUP OF IDIOTIC HUMANS. ALL THIS BACKSTABBING AND CHEATING WITH FRIENDS AND SHIT, OH MY FUCKING GOG WE'RE ON GLEE; RUNNING AROUND INSANELY TRYING TO FIND YOUR MOTHERFUCKING BOYFRIEND POINTLESSLY AND THEN HE GETS IT AFTERWARDS.

WAIT, HOLD ON FOR A SECOND. WHERE THE FUCK WAS I? NO SERIOUSLY, I HAVE NO CLUE WHICH HUMAN HIVE I'M IN FRONT OF RIGHT NOW. NUMBER 413?! TEREZI'S, WOW DID I REALLY GET THAT CARRIED AWAY RAMPAGING? WHAT WAS STRIDER DOING TO MY FUCKING HEAD. UGH, I HATE MYSELF I'M SUCH A LOSER WITH DIRECTIONS. NO WONDER HE'S CHEATING ON ME.


	4. Life Stings Like Glass Rain - Chapter 3

_Warning that this is super intense._

I pulled out the cellular mobile device, as I think the humans call it, and began tapping at it with my finger. Except just because the universe HAPPENS TO HATE ME, it didn't fucking work. I slammed my nail at the screen, to nothing. NOTHING. I tried using the sliding instruction it gave me, telling me to move a shitty rectangular quadrilateral over, WHICH ALREADY HAD NO FUCKING POINT, and it maybe got carried ever so minimally to the side, BUT NEVER REACHED THE POINT IN WHICH THE DEVICE DECIDED TO SAY I COULD INSERT ITS PASSCODE. Once, it was even practically touching the end, and it JUST STOPPED AND RAN BACK TO THE END OF THE LINE LIKE I WAS SCARING IT.

"FUCKING ASSWHORE," I yelled at it, voice getting coarse and caught. "DO YOU FEAR ME, DO YOU FEAR YOUR LEADER. I FUCKING CREATED THIS SHITTY PLANET, YOU DISGRACEFULL CUBOID OF SHINING INTERACTIVE LIGHTS. I CREATED YOU!" I pierced into it with my voice, which was feeling more and more helpless as time passed on. Just 11am. Oh happy happy day.

MAYBE, if I wasn't such an idiot I could've created a better planet. Maybe f I wasn't such an idiot, I wouldn't have created humans, then I wouldn't have created cheaters, and then BY THE END I WOULDN'T HAVE CREATED DAVE OR JERKS OR THE CONCEPT OF CHEATEES AND THE WHOLE FUCKING LOAD OF THEM.

I breathed in heavily, pretending like the little red tears weren't gathering around my eyes. I WAS GETTING ANGRY AT A HUMAN MOBILULAR DEVICE. A _MOBULAR DEVICE._ OF COURSE IT WOULD HATE ME, I'D HATE THE BEING THAT CREATED ME AS WELL. WHY WAS I ANGRY AT IT, IT'S POINTLESS. UGH, WHY DO I FEEL EMOTIONS. NEXT TIME I EVER GET THE CHANCE TO CREATE A SPECIES, I'D BETTER GET KANAYA TO MAKE SURE SHE BREEDS THEM.

 _Finally,_ it magically decided to open up and slide by itself and I tried not to just be that weird asshole who screams in the middle of the street. Okay, now maps. To home.

NEW MESSAGE: _hey karkat where r u? i'm over at urs_

 _~John_

DO YOU EVEN KNOW. DO YOU EVEN KNOW. DO YOU EVEN FUCKING KNOW JOHN YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH. JOHN YOU IDIOT. HOW OBLIVIOUS TO I SEEM TO EVERYONE. OH YEAH, LOOK AT KARKAT, HIS MIND IS JUST ELYSIUM - I KNOW, LET'S GO BEHIND HIS FUCKING BACK AND FUCK, HE'LL NOT NOTICE. HE'LL JUST SIT THERE IN HIS LITTLE PERFECT WORLD. YOU KNOW, HE DOESN'T HATE HIMSELF IT'S JUST TOTAL BLISS OVER THERE. TOTAL. _BLISS._

The phone started ringing and a picture of a bee showed up along with an irritating bzzzzzz. I picked it up.

"Hey, thitfathe, what'th up? I heard thomething'th up?" Sollux's lisp greeted me, with an almost obnoxious laugh.

"YEAH WELL WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?!"

"Jeeth, KK. Try nithe thometime. People'd apprethiate you more."

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH WITH APPRECIATION YOU BASTARD. EVERYONE I KNOW IS A BASTARD. EVERYONE. EVERYONE FUCKING SUCKS AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I SUCK THE MOST. SO DON'T EVEN SAY THAT 'OH IF YOU WERE NICE THEN EVERYONE WOULD STOP BEING IDIOTS' CAUSE THEY WOULDN'T, SOLLUX. THEY WOULDN'T. YOU DON'T FUCKING GET IT."

"What'th wrong?"

"I HATE YOU ALL. EVERY SINGLE ONE."

"WHAT ITH WRONG?!" Now there was something new in his voice. Something that'd never been in there - concern. Genuine. Concern.

Suddenly. My voice closed. No no no. My throat closed and tightened and all that there was was silence.

"KK? KK, where the fuck are you?!"

Silence.

"KK, WHERE ARE YOU?!"

I hung up on him hanging there, and I took a seat on the road, and I buried by face into my knees as my shoulders shook and I could feel strawberry colored tears streaming down my face like a dam had just been opened and was flooding the land. No. no more. I didn't want to deal with this. I didn't want to FUCKING deal with this. No no no. No. I'm a shitty person - I get that - but no more. No more. I don't want any of this. I DON'T WANT IT.

My phone rang, and even though I couldn't see it's screen as it lay turned over on the sidewalk next to me, the ringtone of frogs croaking told me that it was Jade. My thumb answered it accidentally - bumping into it.

"Karkat, Karkat are you there?" Her high pitched voice sounded comforting on a normal day, but it meant nothing to me right now. I just stayed there, shaking, and wimpering helplessly. God, I was so weak.

My hand brought it up to my ear and I took a deep breath. "Hey Jade." I couldn't keep up the screaming anymore.

"KARKAT OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?"

"Does word really spread that quickly? Who told you?"

"Kankri saw you from the house nextdoor and told Sollux, who told me." A phone call interupted the conversation, and the phone rung.

"Could you wait a second Jade?"

"Sure." I answered the other line that was interfering with the call. I could even recognize Dave from his breathing.

"LISTEN UP YOU-YOU IDIOT.

FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU TO THE DEPTH OF SPACE UNTIL YOU GET SENT SO FAR OUT INTO THE UNIVERSE THAT YOU OFFICIALLY LEAVE IT, AND DIE INSTANTANEOUSLY, AND INEXPICABLY PAINFULLY.

FUCK YOU. AND LISTEN BECAUSE I MEAN IT THIS TIME. FUCK. YOU! AND LET IT EAT AWAY AT YOU!" I hung up on him immediately, and I could hear the change in sound immediately, and I was back to Jade.

"Karkat!"

"Hey, Jade."

"How're you? What're you feeling?" Jade could be a pychologist if she really wanted to, that's how calm she was, but still how sympathetic she seemed.

"Usual." I wiped tears away from the tear ducts in my eyes. "Like shit."

"Karkat, I just want to put out that I don't agree with any of the things that dave did, and I don't think I ever will and ever have. It's completely wrong and I didn't know he was that sort of person. I wouldn't expect it."

 _I didn't either._ "Yeah." I replied, then I heard a shuffling about in the house I was in front of. The clicking of a door behind me, and the sound of it creakily opening. "Crap."

"Karkat?" Came Jade's voice through the phone, and I got up and started running swiftly the block. I knew it was Terezi opening the door to her house behind me. I noticed the quick shuffle in the way she was stepping, and how hurriedly she was trying ot lock her house with her keys jingling. She wore a white hoodie with a rainbow stream going down her left side. The other troll's breathing was sharp as though worried, but she still looked like she could crack a smile any moment under pressure. It was a trait that Terezi carried. When she started moving in my direction, in quick steps, towards a car. Oh God, I was doing a lot of running today.

It was like I could see her squinting as I started fading into the distance. "Karkles?" I heard her whisper at first, but then it grew louder. "KARKAT?" Without a reply, I knew that she wouldn't follow me, but I also knew that she was going in the same direction as me.

"Karkat?" Jade's voice was still on the line, and I could just imagine that she was hearing the sound of me running out of breath.

I just ran.

Like I did before, but harder. It was like I knew how to get home and because I'd done it before, I could run faster.

Running towards the problem. This needed to finish. NOTHING EVEN MAKES FUCKING SENSE ANYMORE.

I could hear all the thoughts crowding my head, like I was in a cheesy action movie where the hero gets surrounded by all the criminals.

 _His_ _love is a lie, Karkat. It was always a lie. He never loved you. No one could ever love you, Karkat. You're just too much of a bad fucking person._

I KNOW, I KNOW I SUCK. STOP IT.

 _You've lost control. It's coming to get you. Dave's a cheater. He dated an idiot, and now he's even got the cheatee at home. John doesn't even know you know. In fact, they're probably fucking right now. Making out. Human to human. You're not human, fuckface. Dave wants a human. Not an emotionally unstable alien freak._

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT.

 _Run. I bet they're right there right now._

That's why I was running. That HAD to be why I was running. The voice had completely taken over, nerves, senses it was all there. I could see the white, suburban house coming up, and I ran harder, then slowly into a jog, which became a walk, which slumped back into a crawl, and back into a sprint until I was at the window.

John and Dave were there, I could see them - the window let you have a view of the living room. They had confusion plastered on their faces. None of them would notice me, but the only thing on my mind was them. It was like the earth had put its sound into mute, and I couldn't hear the sound of voices, or cars, or the breeze. Just watch the scene unfold in front of me. They were too busy with the video game on their mind.

I saw John's arms fling into the air, irritated - probably 'cause he'd lost. Probably accusing Dave of cheating. I did the same with Sollux. John was never really a killer at video games. The black haired teen started flinging his arms around, and Dave tackled him - looking like he was telling him to shut up and calm down. Probably something about how losing your cool wasn't cool. But no one but me saw the position they were in when Dave tackled John. Dave was on top of John, with his hands pinning John down on the ground. They were only a few centimeters away from making out.

Then, amidst the silence of my mind, I heard a sound from the phone in my hand. High pitched, and delicate. "Karkat?" But I barely heard my name being finished, because the phone wasn't in my hand anymore. It was heading for the window. I heard the window break, and little fragments of glass came down like rain, some of the droplets coming out and stinging my arms and a place on my cheek. The stinging felt nice - but then I saw the shock in the blue eyes and I could almost see the red over ironic shades, piercing into me. The blue eyes carried shock, and another something. The orange ones were quickly hidden behind the sun glasses.

Arms from behind me managed to catch me. "Karkles! Come on!" I stood idly, being carried away against my will, but still looking dead in the eyes of those two. My vision was glued to them. It wasn't a stupid staring contest, but when Dave looked away I knew that he got the message from it all. My breathing was shattered like the window. My heart was shattered like the window. Life was piercing into me through the glass rain, while Terezi put me into the backseat of her car. No seat belt needed. She put me in the back and I fell sideways along the car. The shutting of a door. The opening of one in the house. My name being called by a familiar voice. A friend telling me it was okay. My eyes shutting. And my mind closing down.


	5. Everything Burns - Chapter 4

I tensed up, everything stinging. "Karkat, I can't believe it. You were really lucky - about the glass and that. Not about everything else. I suck with words." Jade's child-like voice still comforted me even though it was all the wrong words. Having some form of attention after almost a week of wondering if the only person I thought cared for me ended up not was comforting to a certain degree. I almost hissed as Jade's careful hands applied some form of viscous antiseptic liquid onto me. Was it trying to kill me or heal me? I don't fucking know.

"I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH -" Terezi came into the room, with her mouth wide and loud. Everyone was walking on eggshells around me - Terezi especially. She dated Strider once, though they had an easy split up. They kinda sat down, decided things didn't work, shook hands on it and that's it - friendzoned for life, and fucking cool with it. "And he said that apparently," Yeah, what did he fucking say I wanna know his excuse for being a doucheavalanche. "the neighbors called the police and Karkles, you were REALLY lucky so that you didn't get arrested." Gog, I fucking HATE those neighbors. They're so uptight all the freaking time. No, everything needs to be blue, NOTHING FUCKING RED OF COURSE THAT'S THE SHITTIEST FUCKING COLOR. No, how dare you, I asked for a horse and you bought me a dog - disgraceful. Shitheads. they act like royalty and I hope I never have to talk to them again.

Now, I'll confess I hissed from the mixture of alcohol on cuts and life itself. "Stop it Karkat, you're only making it worse." Jade's voice came into existence. HOW ON THIS OBSCENE LITTLE PLANET IS HISSING GOING TO MAKE ANTISEPTIC WORSE? HOW ON THIS SHITDICK OF A UNIVERSE AM I LUCKY TO HAVE MY MATESPRIT CHEAT ON ME WITH A LOUSY, VEXING FRIEND. HAHA, SOME FRIEND - HEIR OF FUCKING IDIOCY MORE LIKE. _MAYBE_ I SHOULD JUST GIVE UP ON FRIENDS AND LIFE AND TROLLS AND HUMANS BECAUSE I APPEAR TO BE CHOOSING THE WORST ONES TO BEFRIEND.

Of course I showed all of this through a twitch of my nose. I didn't feel like doing anything. I didn't want to do anything. It was - forgive my analogy - if I were a bucket (A HUMAN BUCKET, NOT ANY OTHER FORM OF BUCKET YOU SICKMINDED SACK OF CAPPILARIES), then right then and there I was just completely drained of any form of energy. If I were a clogged sink, then the plummer had come right there and unclogged me, but managed to destroy EVERYTHING. If I were an AUTHOR than I would be trying to write, but everything just comes out SHIT.

Rose's nose peeped out from over her book, which she then put down in her lap. "Karkat, it's come to my attention that you're not responding to any of this."

"Meh."

She leant over slightly to the chair in which I sat in. "How're you feeling?"

"Meh."

"Emotionally drained."

"Meh."

"Okay, Rose, that's enough, you're going to stress him out." Jade snapped, seeing as I wasn't replying. "Karkat, I'm going to arrange the spare room for you okay?" She forced my face to look at her, and moved is side to side in her hands before giving a well practiced nod to say that all the cuts were covered up. Then, Jade got up and disappeared into the apartment.

"Does everyone just happen to know what's going on in my life all the fucking time?" It took all my energy to get the words out of my mouth, and it wasn't even so much of a phrase as it was a grumble to myself. I hadn't intended for anyone to hear it, but of course a certain someone did.

"Only those in connection to us." Came a voice from Rose, and she didn't even look up from the book that was in her hands. "So yes, your friends."

My nose twitched again.

"Karkles, okay," Terezi was over at the kitchen, and I had to force my neck to turn and face her. It felt like I was trying to twist a rusty pipe. "I'm not gonna lie, I'm not the best with words of 'consolation'." She said the word consolation like it was revoltingly stupid.

"Like I don't know."

"THAT'S THE SPIRIT!" The troll cheered on, slightly sarcastically but also seeming completely genuine in that mix she always seemed to convey. "ALREADY TURNING BACK INTO A KARKAT!"

"I just don't get it." I said, coming out of the blue. "Why the hell would he cheat on someone? Are humans just naturally never satisfied with one piece of shit so they have to go on to the other?! Is that what cheating's all about?"

"Cheating's more complex than that," The genius of all geniuses Rose stated. "Usually there's a combination of reasons that leads to cheating or a person feeling like they need to cheat. It's only rarely that someone cheats out of complete spite or stupidity."

"Yeah, but that doesn't answer my question. Does it." I retaliated quickly.

"I don't know," Terezi was back and talking again, giving my neck hell. "Listen, Karkles, if I were you I'd get back together with him. I've got an inkling this is just a misunderstanding."

"AN INKLING?"

"An inkling." Terezi stated again. Looking and souding very fucking smug and sure of herself.

"YOU THINK THIS IS ALL SOME FORM OF MISUNDERSTANDING?" That's when I exploded. "I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S SOME FORM OF A MISUNDERSTANDING, THE WAY YOU READ THE ATMOSPHERE. YOU WANNA KNOW ANOTHER MISUNDERSTANDING? SEEING YOUR INSIPID DOUCHEBAG OF A BOYFRIEND'S DICK LAYING ON TOP OF YOUR BEST FRIEND'S WEIRD SEX ORGAN, WITH JUST A FEW PIECES OF BLUE FABRIC SEPARATING THEM?"

Well that shut her up. Rose flipped a page in her book and Terezi looked? down at the cup of water she had in her hand. Then the door opened with a slam on the wall.

"KK I HEARD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AND - OHMYGOD!" An exasperated voice with an inevitable lisp came from the pathetic carbon based life form standing in the doorway.

"ARE THE DOORS IN THIS HOUSE EVER LOCKED AND THE MOUTHS EVER SHUT."

"Nope." Came the short reply from a certain PHOTOSYNTHESIZING RED ORGANISM-BASED NAME HUMAN.

"KK, what did they do to you." Sollux moved towards me, and had it not been for the door naturally shutting, he would've come over so quickly that the door wouldn't have closed. He examined me from head to toe and then sat in the same position that everyone seemed to be sitting in front of me in, tall enough for him to kneel next to my chair and have his head level to mine.

"THE QUESTION, NITWIT, IS WHAT DID I FUCKING DO TO MYSELF? YOU KNOW, BESIDES ETERNALLY HATING EVERY SINGLE PART OF MY EXISTENCE AND PHYSICAL BEING AND MAKING EVERYONE ELSE HATE ME, TOO."

A slight, smirky laugh erupted from the troll, exposing sharp sets of teeth. "You hurt yourthelf pretty bad thith time didn't you."

"WHOA, NO SHIT."

"He'th a fucking douche."

I rolled my eyes. "Once again, NO SHIT."

Sollux looked over at the phone he was carrying in his hand, moving it farther as though he needed to squint to see the message on the phone. Those crappy 3D glasses probably improved his vision as much as soper slime helped to clear someone's mind. "What the hell'th up with your phone? I mutht've tried calling you five hundred fucking timeth."

"IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER."

"He broke it." Terezi and Rose stated in a mass of synchronization. I darted into them with a gaze that probably looked more hurtful than I'd intended. Damn my inner sensitivity - I'm so careless all the fucking time.

"WHAT HOW?!" Sollux's face was completely forlorn.

"OH MY THROBBING PHLEGM LOBE, WHO GIVES A BARFING FUCK ABOUT THAT?!"

Sollux immediately looked at Terezi.

"He threw it through the window."

Now Sollux's arms were flailing around over his head, losing it. "KK I FIXTHED THAT PHONE LIKE TWO DAYTH AGO, DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS TO GET IT WORKING AGAIN!?"

"ROSE I WILL ABACINATE YOU, AND TEREZI I WILL PERSONALLY DEFENISTRATE YOU." Rose had to stifle her laughing - which was surprisingly but funnily loud and disorganized for her- and Terezi's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

Footsteps came from the direction of the bedrooms and Kanaya and Jade came.

"Karkat, we've arranged the respiteblock for you. You're welcome to relax now. I'm going to go and retrive your things from your house. Since we know that you are unable to talk to Dave Strider due to a problem that is ubiquitous amongst humans." The thing with Kanaya is that she always says things so calmly, that it immediately makes you feel like there's something right in the world. Not only that, but she tells things as they are, which makes you feel like you're a human again. Sometimes it sucks, and sometimes it brings you down to earth - that's Kanaya.

"You're allowed to stay for as long as you'd like." Jade said after her.

"THANK GOD, I'LL SEE YOU IDIOTS TOMORROW."

"Goodnight, Karkat!" Jade said.

"Thee ya KK."

"Have a nice rest!" Both Rose and Kanaya.

"Nighty night, Karkles!"

I stopped in the hallway.

"AND THANK'S GUYS. I MEAN, MAYBE YOU'RE BIG BUCKETS OF SUCK, BUT SOMETIMES YOU'RE LESS FILLED WITH SUCK." Then I went off before I could get any reply. I could still hear their chattering, that sounded not just a little bit like they were talking about me. I could still feel the stinging from the glass on my face. I could still feel the hurt from Dave, the way he used me when I thought he cared. What about me wasn't good enough? Oh yeah, everything.

But I could also feel like I had someplace to go to when I'd hit the bottom - and hey, maybe if I was lucky enough the limp fronded stooge of my 'boyfriend' was getting arrested by the cops I had indirectly sent.


	6. The Other Side Of The Story - Chapter 5

"I TRIED OKAY! Nothing worked!"

"Did you try or did you hint it?"

"Hinted it, BUT KARKLES GOT IT." Terezi sighed. "Dave, I don't think you understand how bad the mess you've got yourself in this time is." Terezi's voice echoed through her empty house as she said everything. The acoustics to the house was amazing, that's why she got it, it meant that she'd be able to better locate everyone and hear them.

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO HIM." The voice came in through the phone.

"DAVE YOU HURT HIM A LOT."

"I DIDN'T MEAN TO. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING."

"WELL FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD KARKAT HAD EVERY REASON TO THINK THAT YOU WERE CHEATING ON HIM."

A sigh emitted from the phone amidst all the commotion that seemed to be happening. Police sirens were errupting everywhere. No matter how hard Dave tried, they wouldn't go away - it was like the policeman was on drugs or something (A/N: hehe, guess who). What kind of a police force was this?

"Are the police still there?" Came the voice, slightly strained, but inevitably caring.

"They're as here as Karkat was 5 hours and 27 minutes ago."

"Wowww. You must really like him, you're counting the time."

"I DON'T _JUST_ LIKE HIM."

A laugh errupted from the troll in this conversation. "You even SOUND like him."

"Yeah, well too bad I'm never going to see little nubs again."

"Hehe, when you call people nicknames you sound more like a coolkid again."

"Rainbow troll that's not the point. How am I going to get beep beep meow to like me again."

"Dave, just so that you understand how hurt Karkles is I'm going to try to talk like him." Dave put his ear closer to the phone in order to get a clear sound of how this was going to go. God, did he regret that. "DAVE DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT'S GOING TO BE TO GET HIM TO FORGIVE YOU. HE'S NOT GOING TO BELIEVE ONE WORD YOU SAY. THIS IS KARKLES WE'RE TALKING ABOUT."

It was like the mental facepalm Dave was giving was visible by phone. "Couldn't you say it's a human custom?"

"TO CHEAT, HAH, HE WON'T BELIEVE YOU."

"No. To pin your friend to the floor, genius."

"Wait, you pin each other to the floor as a custom?"

"No, dude, it's just an excuse. You do when you're super angry."

"OH I GET IT - Pshhhh, Like that's going to work."

"..I could get John to talk to hi-"

"NO! Dave, you've gotta take responsibility for apologizing."

"Yeah but what's the point of apologizing if I DIDNT DO ANYTHING." The growl from the human erupted into a shout. "I DIDNT CHEAT ON HIM. I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING TO MAKE HIM THINK I DID. I WAS ONLY JUST GIVING THE WRONG SIGNALS."

"Jegus CHRIST I KNOW! Okay? But you've gotta make up for them an show him that you love him."

"He doesn't think I love him?" Dave's voice was immediately quieter.

"Karkat thinks that you don't think he's enough for you." From the other side of the line there was an intake of breath that sounded Dave didn't know how to take it.

There was the sound of him swallowing hard. "Are you sure?"

"Kanaya and I went over to his room to put his stuff there." Hah, Kanaya hadn't even talked to him except to ask to go into the house. "He was like one of those earth flier things with his blanket like a cocoon. He couldn't stop murmuring to himself and he smelt sad."

"You smelt all of this."

"Yeah."

"What does sad smell li-"

"Dead flowers, rainy earth, and salt."

"Holy shit what the hell am I going to do."

"Find a way to show him you care and tell him what happened."

"But HOW?"

"You'll find something! For now just give him a place to breathe." Then Terezi hung up. Trolls didn't really see the point of telling people goodbye all the time - they kinda just ended the chat half the time when it felt like it was good.

Dave puffed out his cheeks in aggravation and looked around the empty house. The wooden floor was cold - John had left soon after the police looked like they weren't going to be doing too much. He could still see the kitchen from where he stood. And to think that just this morning he had seen his boyfriend in the kitchen. Matesprit, even-if Karkat were listening to his thoughts. Dave wouldn't mind classifying it as troll dating as long as Karkat were there, but he'd lost him. Maybe they weren't officially broken up, still, there was nothing stopping it from feeling like a breakup.

The not-so-cool-now kid started making his way up the heavy wooden stairs. Every insignificant moment passed by quickly which was every moment without Karkat. Soon Dave was on top of the bed, propped up and thinking. Oh god, his brain hurt. The blond took off his shades. He looked upwards as though there was someone that was going to help him with anything. His shoulders shook and soon broken tears erupted from him. Messy, uncool, broken tears. Past the ceiling, there's an entire universe. But only one Karkat. And if he'd lost that one Karkat, then the rest of the universe may as well not have been there.


	7. The Blunt Approach - Chapter 6

****KARKLESSSS POV****

I looked up and down at all the selections of different human 'cereals'. WHY WERE THERE SO MANY OHMYGOD, HOW MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF HUMANS DO ADVERTISING COMPANIES HAVE TO APPEAL TO TO GET MONEY?! My hands tensed up as I looked down at the list in my hands - Kanaya and Rose had made it for me as an excuse to get out of the house. I wasn't stupid, I knew that it was both to get out of the house AND to do some chores for them, but I was going to argue. If I was going to stay at their hive/apartment combination, then I had to do SOMETHING to repay those idiots.

Everyone was always hanging around there, EVERYONE. It must've been because I was there, because there were some times when Rose didn't know things about Sollux, or when Kanaya was slightly confused about how Terezi was acting at times, but it looked like it was bringing them together, actually. Like they could've been friends, or they liked the other's personalities, they just never got the opportunity to talk.

Reading what was on the list, I saw that it said 'Cheerios' - that was so cheesy. Cheer, like happiness. Were they trying to send out mixed signals or something? Ugh, fucking advertising companies. Fuck them. I scanned over the shelves of all the different boxes and BARS. OF. CEREAL. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL TOO LAZY TO JUST EAT THINGS WITH YOUR HANDS. WE'RE TOO GOOD FOR THAT OF COURSE.

Finally, I found the Cheerio boxes. NOW WITH 30 PERCENT MORE HONEY, ugh, shitdicks. There was no more honey in those, NO ONE WANTED MOREEE OF THAT VISCOUS FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP GOOP. I reached my arm up for it, only to find it was just out of reach. IT WAS LIKE THE UNIVERSE WAS LAUGHING AT MY HEIGHT. I jumped, and nothing happened, except I knocked down something called 'Captain Crunch'. Haha, I laugh at whoever thinks I'm going to pick that up.

I stretched. I tried looking around for help. Finally, I saw a hand reach up for the box of Cheerios. I felt a human presence next to me. The arm finally came down, with the cereal, and for a moment the person's face was hidden. I HONESTLY think that I would've just ignored the face completely and just left if it hadn't been for the fact that right before I was going to turn around I caught a glimpse of dark shades.

"Hey." Came a smooth as fucking hell voice. THIS WAS LIKE A NIGHTMARE. My head felt dizzy. I snatched the cereal from _his_ hands and pierced into him with a glare before turning around, and starting to push the supermarket cart away with the Cheerios. "Karkat, no-you've gotta listen to what I have to say!" I said nothing; just continued, with the voice shouting behind me.

Then as though by some sort of time miracle, I saw Dave walking up towards me from the front. WHAT WAS THIS IDIOT DOING. "NO, youdon'tgetit THIS IS ALL A HUGE MISUNDERSTANDING." Came a more desperate sounding voice. I started continuing upwards, moving the cart towards him, but he still wouldn't move. Part of my head said 'listen' but a good 80% said 'RUN HIM THE FUCK OVER'.

"Move."

"Karkat-"

" _Move."_ I stated bluntly.

"No, you have to listen to what I have to-"

"MOVE OR I'LL RUN YOU OVER YOU ACCUMULATIVE RESULT OF A DYNASTY OF SHITTING KINGS AND QUEENS." Dave then stopped, and moved back. For a moment I waited to see if he was going to try anything else. My eyebrow raised. Then I saw what he was doing. His hand reached up and took his shades off. I could see those crimson eyes. They were only slightly different to my more vibrant and less elegant blood color, so I naturally felt more pity for them. There they were, the same color as the planet mercury in comparison to his pale skin. I could see straight through them - filled with a compelling emotion. The way that they still had a fresh glisten of water above them. Then, amongst his hurt eyes, I saw my reflection in them - _my_ reflection and how angry and hurt _I_ looked.

I continued moving forward.

"Karkat, please!" Came Dave's voice. "It was a misunderstanding - NOTHING HAPPENED BETWEEN JOHN AND I! IT WAS A SERIES OF EVENTS. THE UNIVERSE IS TRYING TO GO AGAINST ME AND FRAME ME. IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE'S POLICE FORCE ARE GOING 'OH YEAH, FUCK THAT GUY LETS JUST NOT GIVE HIM A TRIAL.' KARKAT!"

I couldn't reply to that. The rage of it all. HE THOUGH THE UNIVERSE WAS AGAINST HIMM. THIS HURT ME MORE THAN IT HURT HIM.

"I LOVE YOU, KARKAT!" I stopped in my tracks, gripping the handle of the shopping cart until I could see the red through my gray skin.

"No." I stated back, as loudly as one possibly could without using their calm. All of this was bubbling up over me, like even if I wanted to attack this douche, I wouldn't. I was so angry that I was still and calm with anger. There was a fire inside of me, festering and building up slowly.

"I'LL PROVE IT, KARKAT." He shouted. "JUST ASK JOHN. ASK ME. TALK TO ME, KARKAT." But by then he was out of hearing range, and even if I could hear him, I'd have tuned him out.


	8. Stop Trying - Chapter 7

_Thanks again if you're still reading this!_

Nooo. Not consciousness now. Fuck consciousness, I don't want this. Nooo, thinkpan go back to sleep. SLEEP. Fuck me, that didn't work now my mind's even more awake. Fucking idiot. Ughh. Ugh. Kanaya's alarm's probably going to go off sometime soon so THINKPAN FUCKING GO TO SLEEEEE-my phone. I tensed up, breathing shallow.

"Nononononoooo," My morning voice was groggy, croaking with every syllable. I pushed my arm out back behind me, knocking my phone off of the bedside table and pushing myself to the opposite side of the bed. All I heard was the sound of the phone hitting the wall and embedding itself into the carpeted floor. The blanket was pulled over my head by - GUESS WHAT - MY TIRED ARMS and I groaned. Another text sounded off. I knew who it was and I knew the sort of texts that he was sending.

It'd been a whopping 13 days since the big whoohoo- the big INCIDENT if you like- and that little fuckass didn't hesitate to send me message, by message, by message - EVERY DAY OF EVERY WEEK. And do you know what was on each of those satellite signals pointed into letters?

I must've twisted myself into a knot in that blanket. Human beds, though the definition of pointless self-indulgence all humans seem to love, were a good concept. Bouncy mattresses were fairly good. Blankets, by far, were the _best_. Waking up in the morning with your vertebral column (A/N: spine) hurting like the human concept of hell, WAS THE WORST THING ABOUT THESE HUMAN INVENTIONS. I MEAN DO HUMANS EVEN KNOW HOW TO INVENT SOMETHING THAT WON'T MURDER OR HURT YOU. OH WAIT NO, BECAUSE THEY THEMSELVES ARE THE DEFINITION OF A WEAPON.

I inhaled oxygen into my windbags and exhaled for a long time until they were empty. I didn't want it to be like this. I _wanted_ to be near that spontaneous douchebag even though for the life of me I didn't want to. I didn't want to be around, but I wanted his arms around me. I wanted to feel that idiot's sickly, strandy blonde hair through my fingers. I wanted to shred him through an Alternian shredder and shoot his shreds into the next galaxy just so that I never saw him again and had no chance to.

I stretched my arms in front of me, breathing in so that my airsacs were filled to the brim with oxygen before pushing myself up. I rubbed at my eyes, even if they'd been open prior to me getting up. Then, once again, I inhaled oxygen into my windbags and exhaled for a long time until they were empty and I started moving for the door. A distorted noise came from my teethset as I looked down at the phone next to the doorframe, screen facing upwards. I'd only heard 2 beeps, which meant that the one whose name is a fucking stupid one was finished texting for today. That didn't stop my vocal strings from rubbing together to form muffled distressed noises. Wow, sometimes I really do feel like a troll compared to the humans. I quickly knealt over and picked the phone up with my nubby fingers.

Believe me, I TRIED not to look at the messages as I went to the breakfast table, I TRIED, but by the time I was sitting at my destination awaiting Rose to realize my presence, my face was contorted trying to plug in the password. And slide. SLIDE. SLIDE YOU FRICTIONALIZED ARROW OF USELESS PIXELS. WELL IT'S ABOUT TIME.

" _Placing a smile at the perfect event,_

 _Gracing your skin with the side of my hand,_

 _If I ever leave I could learn to miss you,_

 _But sentimental boy is my nom de plume"_

My airsac's surrounding bones clenched and I must've made a sound that sounded like a short human wheeze, because as soon as I did a worried Rose turned around. Dave did this every. day. Inputting song lyrics fitting to his emotions into my phone via the short message service (A/N: SMS).

 _"Let me save you, Hold this Rope_

 _I may never sleep tonight,_

 _As long as you're still burning bright_

 _If I could trade mistakes for sheep,_

 _Count me away before you sleep_

 _I'll stay awake 'til I trade my mistakes or they fade away"_

Ughhhhh, nonononoNO. I banged my hand into the table. "Ughhhhhh," Rose's purple eyes were on me.

"Karkat, what are you looking at?" Her voice questioned, and you could still hear a pang of sleep in her voice. I glanced right back at the phone to see the second message. Wow, I'm so intent on destroying myself aren't I. I'm such a worthless pack of mutant DNA. Second messages are the worst - because Dave always sent a text in his own words not a song.

 _I know you hate me, but I love you._ He'd written

"AGHHHHHHH." I turned off the phone just like every day. How self-pitying, worthless, and obscene must I be to make someone feel like I hate them. I'm such a jerk, a bigger jerk than the human jerk. He'd even used proper grammar for once.

"Karkat," Rose moved her hand swiftly over to the phone and picked it up, confiscating it. "They're Dave's texts aren't they. What have I told you about that?" Rose said the words arranged so neatly, but as always all she really needed to say was 'I fucking told you that it would make you feel worse.' The only response I gave was a whining noise escaping my mouth like a wavering stream of whine. "Karkat?"

"You told me not to look at the messages."

"excellent." Maybe it was just the human breed of 'Americans' that were indolent sacks of shit. wait. WAIT-nope they're all indolent assditches with a thinkpan the size of a small seed that's never going to bloom. Rose slide a bowl of 'cereal' next to me. Loops of artificially colored flavoring floating around in white liquid. I eased myself upwards and placed my fingers to hold the cold metal spoon in place. Rose, in her usual manner, just leaned right over the counter with her head held by the palms of her hand and her elbows on the counter, eyes half open to examine my face.

"Did you know different color fruit loops don't have different flavors?" I stopped chewing on my food and looked up at her.

"What in the name of the God of FUCK are fruit loops?"

"The artificial grains of cereal you're eating."

"...And they don't have different flavors, they're all the same flavor."

"Precisely." I swallowed the fruit loop granules and I pushed away the bowl. "I hate humans and their human buy-products." I mumbed and put the bowl in the sink, half filled with cereal still.

"Karkat, it's just a cereal! If you leave it out it'll become soggy and go to waste!" Rose complained and I threw up my arms.

"DOES EVERY HUMAN KNOW THAT THEIR LIFE'S A LIE? NO ONE TELLS ME ANYTHING AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I GET WHY? BECAUSE GUESS WHO'S THE BIG DIPSHIT OF STUPIDITY AND NAÏVITY." I packed myself up and went back into my room. Days went on like this. Pesky little arguments with the troll of good for nothing; staring at the ceiling; wishing that there was something I felt like doing but knowing that everywhere I went there was a possibility for me to find Dave. I was the fox in a world of hunting dogs. What big ass hunting dogs they were.

Tick, tick. There was a tapping noise on the window leading to the balcony. Tick, tick.

"What the..?" I walked into my temporary respiteblock before hearing another blasted sound - THUD THUD. I ran over to the balcony and slid open the glass door; the fucking neighbors kids must've been at it again.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOI-" I stopped, looking down at who was actually beneath the balcony.

"LO! SHE SPEAKS!" Came the voice from the poser with the shitty blonde hair and douche-y shades. I would've moved if I wasn't such a stupid idiot in shock. "O, speak again bright angel, for thou art as glorious to this night being o'er my head as a winged messenger from heaven." Dave pulled off his shades, and I could see into his eyes. It was like he was shooting me persistently and trying to prove he wasn't such a cheating backstabbing human boyfriend/ex boyfriend?

"Uhh, uhmm." Dave was losing his rhythm. "'Tis but my species that is thine enemy. I am myself, a human, but what is a human? It is no hand, nor foot, nor arm, nor face, nor any other part. O, let me be of another species. What's in a species? That which I call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Henceforth, I'll never be a human. My species, dear saint, is hateful to myself." He didn't even have a piece of paper. He was just reciting all of the stupid ass lines.

"Come on, Karkat! I know you know the words!" I hissed both to myself and at myself at Dave's comment.

"Dave, Dave, what the fuck art thou wanting, Dave. Go. The FUCK. Away. If I do see thee, I will murder thee." I screeched at him, but there were tears in my eyes. Kanaya showed up behind me. Oh GOG, she must've come here without me knowing.

"Dave, what are you doing?!" She shouted down at him, and he looked completely lost then and there. "Don't you think you've done _enough_ already?" It was the first time I'd seen Kanaya so cold, and it must have been the first time Kanaya had ever been near me when I had small little red droplets forming in my tear ducts. "Come on, Karkat." She started pulling me back inside because I must have turned into an anchor.

"I DIDN'T DO IT." Dave shouted as the door was sliding shut, being shut by Kanaya. I could even still hear him. Why was he trying so hard? "I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP." But the door was shut once again, and I just sat there on the side of the bed, numb.

"Karkat," Kanaya, with her tall stature, was able to lean in front of me and still be at basic eye level with me. She put her hands on my cheeks, which were beginning to go damp and red, before putting my face to look at her. My eyes just couldn't bear looking into hers. "Karkat. I'm not going to put this covered with sugar; the blonde human, he's not going to stop trying." I nodded slightly on the inside. On the outside I must have just looked like a spiteful, tearing mess. Kanaya still made me feel like she had seen me nodding on the inside. "But, I think you need to decide now if you want to return back to him, or if you're going to sever your connections. Nothing is ever going to change if you remain strung together by the word 'boyfriend', and I can not bear to see you like this. Neither can Sollux nor Rose, nor Terezi, nor Jade, nor anyone." There was a pause in between her words, where I knew that she was right but I also wanted to shred everyone around me and believe that none of it was true.

"Kar.. Karkles," Kanaya said the nickname with reluctance before bringing me into her in a caressing hug. "I think you need to decide. Maybe you won't decide today, or tomorrow, or the day after, but you need to or nothing will end." She repeated the entire thing one time over again. As the multiple red translucent spheres slid down my face, I knew she was right.


	9. The Good Ol' Days - Chapter 8

_Thanks so much for reading this if you still are! I've got this massive ending adrenaline rush with this fanfic that makes me just wanna finish it and write write write! Because I've never really finished a fan fiction. I mean, I have an idea for this ending - but I also have no clue how to do it and all the details. Also, the song I put in is P!ATD's I Wanna Be Free. Not really any reason, it's kinda like the situation - I really just put it in. The 2nd song that I put in is P!ATD's Oh Glory just because it was on shuffle and sorta fits :P I really like them, and if you don't like them then I'm sorry just appreciate the lyrics - or you know, skip them *shrugs*._

*****************THE POV OF THE HUMAN THAT SHANT BE NAMED******************

My breathing was shallow as I rushed quickly into _The Good Ol' Pancakes_ , blonde hair sticking to my forehead from sweat. I rushed over to the counter, where all the super high ass chairs were and leaned over it so much that I could feel myself becoming one WITH THE COUNTER. Quickly, Dirk rushed over at me. "Dave? Oh sweet jesus you look like a slab of beef that's been smoked, injected with hormones, before suddenly remembering it's terrific claustrophobic past as a cow in a pen filled with other hormone injected cows."

"Are-Are," I began, wheezing. "Are they here yet?"

"God, no, why would I know when they're coming?" Dirk looked at me straight in the eye, or straight in the shades. Why would he know that they'd be here? "Listen, we need to talk."

"About what?"

"About your di-about your interspecies relationship with an alien species from another universe."

"Whatever they said," I looked up at him, wheezing and nearly falling off the counter. "I didn't do it, I swear."

"So you didn't cheat on 'Karkles'?"

"No. WHY DOES. NO. ONE. BELIEVE ME. I WANT HIM BACK. I WANT HIM BACK SO BAD, BRO." Now that same wrenching feeling inside of me that had been there for a week sank even farther into me. It was like my stomach was dropping into my feet. Then I closed my eyes tight, realizing what I'd said. "I'm sorry, I know we're not really broth-"

"I know." The blonde with gravity proof hair replied. "I know." He looked dead serious as he wiped the big glass cup in his hand. He was wearing _The Good Ol' Pancakes_ uniform, all white and with one of those paper hats that looked like half a lemon was bleached and put straight on your head. He could pull off the whole 60s waiter look really well. Hell, he could've been that future mayor from Back To The Future.

"Nice hat." I commented glancing upwards again, pushing myself upwards.

"Don't you go around changing the subject of the conversation. You have to be really oblivious not to fuckin' realize why you look like a rabbit that's been run over by a truck and is trying to come off as just playing dead. Now inform me about your present situation." The entire time Dirk was talking, only occasionally did he look up at me. Most of the time he was looking downwards, nodding. You felt like you were letting everything out, but at the same time there was something that was cold about having to talk to eyes behind a pair of ironic shades.

"Well. I'm fucked." I began.

"That's a start." Now, dirk quickly picked up the next cup he had to wipe. "Now, continue. Why?"

"Well, for starters my boyfriend thinks I've cheated on him, and no one believes me that I didn't."

"Dave, you had John pinned right down."

"You can ask John, IT WAS A FUCKING JOKE. I'M NOT. GOING TO SAY IT AGAIN. Please, you of all people have to believe me." I was running out of options, and losing my cool. Everyone was right, I was losing it. I took a few breaths and then I remembered why I was there. "No, but that's not for now. I just, Dirk, they're all coming right over here to _The Good Ol' Pancakes_ to have pancakes, and could you just play these songs? There's nothing weird or my voice there or anything trippy in it, promise, just - just Karkat's favorite songs and a few of my beats. Maybe it'll cheer him up or something, I dunno, just please, you've got to do it."

Dirk straightened out his hat on the top of his head. There was a beat and for a second I thought he'd say no, then he just exhaled. "I'll ask my superior if he can let me play the music for a while."

Relief filled me all over. "Thanks, thanks."

"How's this going to help you get back together?"

"I don't know, I won't even be around, I just, I just maybe he'll realize and if he doesn't at least it'll cheer him up." I ran my fingers through my hair trying to collect myself. Maybe it was a Strider thing to care about your hair. "He-He's got this idea that the world is against him, and maybe he'll think the 'odds are in his favor' or that things are looking up."

"If anything goes wrong, this could backfire on me." Dirk stated, and the way he was looking at me showed me a glimpse of his orange eyes. "So you better not have put anything fucking troublesome on there."

"I didn't, promise. Thank you, Dirk. Thank you, so much." I came near close to hugging him, but sometimes when I was around him - it just made everything that I did seem wrong.

"It's okay, Dave, don't worry. You're welcome. It's not a problem." He said all the words after one another.

"If you want confirmation, call John. I swear." I confirmed, pushing the idea.

"I may, now get your ass out of here before they get here."

"Thank you."

"It's not a problem." I started off at that but before I left he had just one more thing to say. My hand was nearly touching the door when - "Fix yourself up! Take care of yourself!" Came after me. Sometimes that guy just stirred stuff up in me that I can't explain. I walked through the door and fresh air greeted me. My eyes were on the floor, focusing on the phone in my hands for any missed calls. My feet were moving and I looked up to feel skin brushing past me with an electric after-touch and my eyes glazed past other red irises. There was no more air around me; my feet were moving but everything about me was left hanging in that small, fast moment.

I hope this at least works.

I hope Karkat feels at least better.

*************CHANGE IN POV AND A LITTLE ROLL BACK IN TIME*********

"I DON'T WANT TO BE HEREEEEE." I shouted out into the empty void of the car. Of course by empty void I mean the tiny car was packed with other trolls and humans as compact as ham in airtight plastic.

"You theee, KK?" Came Sollux's voice from beside me, painting his face a nice shade of sarcastic sympathy and patting my back. He'd chosen the middle seat. He didn't wanna fucking use favoritism for the right or left side of the car. "You're already feeling good enough to go back to complaining." I settled myself deep into the side of the automobile's door. It's everything go wrong week for Karkat isn't it.

"You can tell because it's a more aggravated silence then a deprivvved silence." Came rainbow troll's input.

"AND WHAT DOES THAT CHANGE."

"Good job, Karkat, that's exactly the sort of emotional release we're looking for." Even Kanaya felt the need to push in.

"Guys, no, stop, he might stop yelling." Jade whispered, smiling.

"I GET IT!" I screeched and Terezi's and Sollux's laughter mixed in the car. Naturally, even Rose, Kanaya, and Jade human gave out little fits of giggles. Fucking morons.

"Karkat, look on the bright side." Jade said from the backseat. "There are gonna be pancakes there. You LOVE pancakes. Everyone loves pancakes."

"JADE, PLEASE, I KNOW IT'S A HUMAN CUSTOM OR WHATEVER BUT DON'T EXAGGERATE. PANCAKES ARE _OKAY_."

"Karkat you chowed down like, how much wath it again? Like, fi-"

"SOLLUX, KEEP YOUR FOUR EYES OUT OF THIS. PANCAKES ARE OKAY. THERE. OKAY." Sollux put up his hands accusingly.

"I really do think this is quite a healthy way of expressing his emotions." I heard Kanaya whisper over to Rose in the shotgun seat.

"KANAYA IF YOU CAN NOT WHISPER PLEASE DO NOT DO IT AT ALL."

"Karkat, you can calm your tone down slightly to my 'matesprit'. There, I used your alternian word for it. Please, be content." Rose shot over at me. "Besides, we are already here, and as your display of rebellion of your opinion towards pancakes already displayed, you will enjoy those pancakes." I rolled my eyes, and turned my mouth to a slit.

The automobile braked itself, the car stopped with a holt, and I quickly opened the door with that unnecessary noise that all automobiles seem to make, and then began walking. The breeze hit the skin on my face, and surrounded the entire gray parking lot in its brisk cold. The suburban parking lot was filled with a comfortable amount of cars. The _Good Ol' Pancakes_ stood in all its '1960s' glory.

I kept my eyes down, red looking down at the gray pavement, dismissing everything. I heard an intake of breath from what must have been Jade's part, and I looked up. Then, I caught him. My eyes graced just over his appearance. My skin prickled, thickening with his presence. I'd missed it. I'd dreaded it. His touch. I wanted that forbidden touch, yet at that moment my body rejected it like a virus. All switches were on. All memories rushed through my head, and quieted down into a chamber of whispering the farther Dave continued moving on. Dave. Dave. UGH, STOP. FUCKING STOP, PLEASE.

PLEASE.

Sollux looked back over at Dave and sped up his walk to catch up to where I was and put his arm around me in casual comfort. "Lithen, KK, don't let that guy ruin your pancake-xthperienthe." My eyes had fallen back to the ground and when I looked up, through the glass doors I saw another pair of shades - but pointed - looking up at me and shaking his head. A more expected shade of glasses, but nevertheless a provoking one.

There's a pair of shades I can look at and call ironically douche-y. Hah. ha. I don't even know why I bother to make myself laugh at things like this anymore.

Sollux pushed open the doors into the Good Ol' Pancakes, and you could see the flat look on Dirk's face even clearer. I smirked over at him - a bit deliriously; a bit because of the past joke I'd said; and a bit to say 'your ecto-biological son did this to me'. I regretted this entire excursion. Sollux took his arm out from where it was on my shoulder before and smiled over at Dirk mischeviously. All his fangs showing.

"Well?" Sollux's voice came.

"Well what?"

"Don't you have thomething to thay to us? We didn't jutht come here to thee you." There errupted a large sigh from the other Strider.

"I swear to God, little troll, I will get you for this." Came an irritated sound. "Welcome to Good Ol' Pancakes, where we make pancakes and we succeed, succeed, succeed!" Came a sarcastic happy voice. A series of cackles came from Sollux, looking like he was having a hell of a time.

"I don't even know why you find that so fucking funny it's not nearly as cheesy as it could be." Came an irritated mumble. We all made our way over to one of those big booths with the red plastic-y seats all humans seem to love. And music started playing.

 _Is there a heart inside the night_

 _I can feel its vital signs_

 _Beat goes dry and the spirit dies_

 _I wanna dig this tinsel town 'til it's six feet underground, it's safe to say that timing means everything_

Huh, it's not one of the bad songs that humans usually compose. As a token of my appreciation I glance at Kanaya across the table. "Could I get that one?" I point over at the blueberry chocolate pancakes on the menu.

"Karkat, of course." Was the reply.

I was about to retreat back into my position of head in my arms on the table - my music appreciation position, when I stopped and said "Thanks, Kanaya. Thanks, guys." And even though I could hear Dave's voice at the back of my mind going 'Karkat's broken guys', it felt better with it out of my mouth.

The only problem I could actually think of when it comes to Good Ol' Pancakes is that it's one of those places where to order, you have to go directly over to the counter. And that meant a full blown interaction with Dirk. Talking, order, fuck EVERYTHING.

"Awwww, Karkat, it's completely fine!" Came Jade's voice over the background music. Oh nonono. Here comes a wave of awws and your welcomes. No - THAT'S THE ONE THING I CAN NOT STAND AND ATTRACT THE MOST. WHY, EVEN.

"Well, fuckasses. I'm gonna go order the food."

"KK, are you sure about this - "

"They're not the same person, now mOVE THE FUCK OVER CAPTOR SO I CAN GET TO THE COUNTER AND ORDER YOUR SHITTY PANCAKES WITH HONEY. I MEAN. WHO HAS PANCAKES WITH HONEY? BE GRATEFUL I'M EVEN GONNA ORDER THOSE."

"Welcome back, Karkat." Rose smiled, and I looked over at her skeptically before moving up towards Dirk.

 _If I wake up in the morning_

 _I only need 2 more miracles to be a saint,_

 _Everything I promised everyone I'd be,_

 _Well I just ain't._

You know it's funny because in these moments, you have the whole scene going on in your head, but then when it comes to it your mind just veers anywhere but the plan. I didn't even take a breath when I walked up to the counter and all my mind was thinking about was the lyrics and how the right music could change everything. Then there was Dave. No, we're not going ot think about Dave. Or why he was here. We're gonna talk pancakes.

"Hi, Karkat, welcome to business." Came Dirk's voice, and my mind immediately switched tracks. Off guard. Karkat, get back on guard. "How may I help you." It wasn't so much a question as an implication.

"Yeah, well, one blueberry chocolate plate of pancakes, one buttermilk original or whatever that word is, one create a face pancake (I said that one laughing), one funny face pancake, and one wholemeal pancake because fuck it that's boring." I ordered, pursing my lips when I was finished. You could see past the shades and look at the softened eyes behind them. "What?"

"Nothing." Came the calm reply, that you could just barely tell was laced with some form of emotion that was personal and not work-oriented. There was a pause. "Listen, have you tried calling John. No one's called John. No one's asked John about anything and I can't believe no one has let that idea traipse into their mind. He really didn't do anything."

"I don't care if he didn't do anything. It's not the first time that something like that's caught him off guard or he's flirted with someone or I thought he did - that's the problem. It's. Not. Okay. And it's been happening for 3 weeks now and I don't know if I can handle it, Dirk. I don't know if I can handle it. I don't even know if it could work anymore."

Dirk's expression had softened even more. "I know, I would still just call up John." I started turning around. There was no need to hear stubborn Strider talk. I'd had enough stubborness to cover the month. I could jar up the Strider stubborness I had and sell it off with a big label 'life supply of Strider stubborness'. "Karkat, if you want to forget him, forget him, but you're still worrying, and that means you haven't. If you'd truly forgotten him, you wouldn't know." But I did know. I know he only came in here to play the songs. No one could be that lucky - not even me. I knew that he'd intoxicated all of the words to them, my mind.

I went over back into the booth, and settled myself deep into the side of the red-plastic booth. I don't want to be here, but I smile at everyone. I make my remarks. I still breathe. I'm still there.


	10. A Last Resort - Chapter 9

_Oh Gosh guys, I just - how have we gotten this far? I wasn't ever going to continue this, but thank you so much for reading it and I'm so happy that I did and just. You're all the best. I think this is going to be the first fanfic that I ever finished after planning to finish it. Thank you, but now back to the OTP. We still have a lot to go through._

I picked up the cellular device and brushed it against my ear.

1 tone.

2 tones.

I slammed down on the off button and cancelled the call before the phone could even catch onto what was happening. The shitty piece of human technology must've taken about 2 minutes to close down the Phone 'application'. UGHHHHH, YOU STUPID PIECE OF CELLURLAR DEVICE. I threw it across the room until it landed over in the corner. This must be becoming some form of tradition now. Immediately, I sunk into the same position I'd been in pre-call, WITHOUT the phone. My eyebrows contorted together. Muscles on my face twitched in confusion. My entire body couldn't reciprocate to this sort of crap: my eyes told themselves to start tearing up; my tearducts would refuse; my heart would thump; it would skip a beat; my air sacs would decide they had enough oxygen; I would gasp for air - none of it made any sense to me.

My teeth sunk into my cheek tissue so much that soon I could taste blood. There was this swarming misture of what felt like blood, anxiety, longing, and desire inside of me. I NEEDED to do it. I didn't WANT to do it. I lifted my weight onto my feet and dragged myself over to the 'iPhone' laying on the floor. "Why me? Why fucking me?" Came a spur of pure irritance and stress from my mouth.

I didn't even pick the device up from where it was against the wall. I just sat down, legs crossing, next to it as though it was a live species. "You know," I said, voice quivering unexpectedly. "You've caused a lot of fucking problems in my life for an inanimate object. In fact, you're probably the most shitty device on this puny carbon based planet, and believe me there's a lot of shitty stuff on this carbon-based planet. You're the EXACT reason why my life is more miserable than the weakest, most likely to get culled, mutant blooded wriggler on Alternia, and I don't see any possible way that you could be a cure to this disease called emotion I'm feeling now. Which was caused mostly by you - in case I didn't mention it enough." There was a pause in my words. "I don't see how you could cure this. Or my cureent degrading situation."

"I don't even know if I should get back together with that idiot anymore." I laughed slightly deliriously as my throat went thick. "I don't even know what to do at all. I don't know if I'll forgive John for whatever he did or didn't do if he did anything at all. I don't know anything. It's just a blur. Everything's blurry." And in fact as I said that, molecules of a salty solution gathered in my vision spheres that blurred my alien vision. That was all I was to everyone; an alien on Earth, alienated even by my own species on my own destroyed planet .

A human sounding sniffle errupted from me. My clumsy, nubby nailed fingers swept my face clean of tears which could and had rolled down my cheeks.

"But," I continued on. "Nothing's going to get better just by talking to a human mobular device, is it?" I sighed. I looked over at the phone and to a certain level it looked back at me. "So there isn't too much harm in at least trying to cure myself or forgive JOHN." I picked up the metal piece of techology and squinted at it, suddenly aware it _was_ just a piece of technology. "Why the fuck am I talking to _you?_ " I asked, not even stopping talking to it. As though it had no objection to my attempt, I was able to plug in my password in one go and the phone application opened back up.

As though on queue vibrations and one of those repetitive aggravating ringtones went off. John's name filled the screen and on reflex, I answered it.

"JEGUS EGBERT YOU LITTLE FUCKFACE THIS ISN'T HOW IT WORKS I WAS JUST ABOUT TO HIT YOUR NAME ON THE CONTACT PAGE. _I_ WAS GONNA CALL _YOU._ WHAT THE HUMAN HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, THANKS FOR RUINING YET ANOTHER ASPECT OF LIFE IF YOU COULD EVEN HAVE THE DIGNITY TO CALL THIS A LIFE." I breathed heavily. I hadn't meant for that to come out, it just did.

"Hi to you, too, Karkat." Came that nerdy asshole's voice and I was suddenly aware of what was going on. "If it isn't too much trouble." Egbert added on. I wanted to talk, I knew I needed to talk or else nothing would ever feel right, I just didn't know what to say anymore. All that came out from my mouth was a craoky series of stammering sounds as I tried to decide what to bring up.

"Karkat?" Came my name after a long pause, which must have been eating away at John's phone credit. A long breathy sigh came out of his mouth via phone. "Well, since you're not doing any of that talking you said you'd called me for, let me start. Umm, wow, this is awkward because I'd been thinking of what to say when this call happened, too. I'm really surprised no one's asked me about any of this. I mean, Dirk and Rose brought stuff up, especially Dirk, but ot one else." So that's why Dirk was so insistent about this all. Ugh I shouldn't known. Karkat you fuckass. "Don't you think that's strange, Karkat?"

"Yes." I hissed, probably sounding as suspicious as I was.

"Karkat, I ddn't do any of the stuff that everyone's accusing me of." Egbert said, getting straight to the point out of the blue. "We were just playing video games – you saw it, I think – and then I'd lost, he was irritated that I was being a sore loser, which I'll admit I was being slightly sore-loserish, and he tackled me. Nothing happened but that. We weren't making out or going to or anything, promise."

"You don't fucking GET IT." I facepalmed, going soft. " It's not JUST about the tackling or the nearly having a sloppy human makeout session, that very same day? I got a text from Dave that was supposed to go to you but with my luck it went to me. Then there were the nights Dave'd come over late back home without saying ANYTHING and you guys are SO FUCKING OBSCENE TO THINK THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT COMBO MEANS." I take a deep breath, but I'm far from over. I've just begun. "And THEN, THEN THE VERU DAY I'M UPSET ABOUT IT AND BARGE OUT MAKING IT REALLY OBVIOUS I'M NOT OKAY, WHEN MY HUMAN MATESPRIT – BOYFRIEND FOR YOUR STUPID UNDERDEVELOPED BRAIN – IS SUPPOSED TO BE THREE FOR ME AND TALKING THINGS OUT THEN I FIND HIM TACKLING YOU AND PLAYING VIDEO GAMES OR SENDING TEXTS INSTEAD? THAT'S WHY I'M ANGRY, EGBERT. GOG HELP ME, I MAY GET AGGRAVATED FOR TINY LITTLE THINGS BUT THIS TIME I'M ANGRY AND THIS TIME IT'S WORTH IT. IT'S NOT A LITTLE DEAL. IT'S A MASSIVE PROBLEM, AND YOU'RE ONLY FUCKING HALF OF IT THAT'S HOW BAD IT IS."

I expected a sorry. Expected a slow stringed apology or maybe even an angry retort from Egbert; but I didn't get one. No, I got "Oh my god. Karkat! Oh freakin' mother of god, Karkat, it all makes sense! All of it!" Came a HAPPY and not even REMOTELY SARCASTIC reply.

"Excuse me?!"

"KARKAT, I'm sorry, but, you're all wrong. Karkat, nothing was on those times. It makes sense for it to've, but nothing was on. Dave came over to the house and we'd play videogames or make youtube videos on his vlogging channel, and then after that it was just talking."

I was silent, then when I spoke I probably sounded more aggravated than I actually was. "You expect me to believe that?"

"No jeez, you'd only believe it in one of those crazy obsession blurred fanfics. No, you don't have to believe it, _but it's true_. Promise. Do you even know what he'd talk about mots of the time? He'd talk about you. He'd fall asleep laying on the floor talking about you – in a good way as well, not like he was bored. Then that same Karkat-induced sleep would make him late to go home at night to his Karkat."

 _"'Had the coolest time with you yesterday, Eg, great break from the usual. '"_ My mouth uttered the words that had been sent to me earlier on this month.

"No, no - Karkat," FINALLY SOME SADNESS. "Karkat, that's to do with how he was working shifts with Dirk every day at the pancakes place and he didn't feel comfortable talking to Dirk about his problems, but then for the first time since, like, the 6 years I've known Dave, he finally opened up and talked about his problems. It's all that 'I can't talk about my feelings, I'm a guy' crap."

I faultered trying to come up with something, then after a few seconds it came. "ONCE AGAIN, you expect me to BELIEVE THAT? 'THE COOLEST TIME WITH YOU'."

"We had a cool time together."

"COOL TIME UNTIL 1AM, JOHN JEGUS FUCKING-DO YOU THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY THINKPAN? DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?" I was imploding. I was exploding. I was I don't fucking know.

"It means we had a cool time!" The oblivious prick sounded a tinge confused.

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?"

"We had a cool time?"

"NO JOHN, IT MEANS THAT YOU WERE FILLING UP HIS HUMAN PAIL, OR SHOVING YOUR WOOD INTO HIS FUCKING ASS OR WHATEVER HUMANS DO YOU _TRUE_ FUCKASS."

A pause.

"Karkat?"

"WHAT."

"I am NOT A HOMOSEXUAL. I NEVER HAVE BEEN. I NEVER WILL. WHY DOES EVERYONEE THINK I AM? WHAT MAKES PEOPLE THINK," I never knew humans, especially John, could screech. "I AM A HOMOSEXUAL. I AM NOT. NOT EVEN IN THE WAY THAT HOMOSEXUAL IS AN INSULT. I JUST AM _NOT._ COOL TIME MEANS COOL TIME. I DIDN'T SCOOTILYPOOP OR DO THE UNDERCOVER COUPLE TWISTER OR THE SIDEWAYS TANGO WITH DAVE STRIDER. _I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL."_

I was silent. Did I just get yelled at by John Egbert?

"Did I just get yelled at by you?"

"KARKAT, I TOLD YOU. I AM NO- oh wait, no, wait. What did you say?"

"I think that's the most angry I've ever heard you."

"Yeah, _well."_ He still sounded ticked.

"All those nights? NOTHING?" It hit me what we were talking about.

"Karkat, the douchey hipster still crushes on you. I heard about all the things he did for you. He has to love you." Part of me, a good chunk, forgave John Egbert at that point. I realized that I wasn't angry at HIM. No, there was not a bad bone in that human's frail, easily-broken, scrawny body. If anything had gone on, it wasn't with John. Human hell, if anything had happened that a normal person might be able to cover up, John wouldn't have been a good enough liar to lie like that.

"I can't believe this." I put a hand to my forehead. "I have to fucking forgive you."

"What?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT I SAID YOU IDIOT. DON'T MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND." I screamed into the phone and the microphone recoiled away. "But, it's just, different. There's more to it."

"I'm sorry." Came his voice.

"What?"

"You forgave me, so I figured I might as well say sorry to balance it out."

"NO JOHN THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS."

"Yeah it is."

"YOU'RE SUCH A PREPUBESCENT SACK OF STUPIDITY."

"Karkat, I'm going to be 17, I think I've gone through puberty."

"IT'S AN INSULT YOU MORON. DON'T YOU THINK I'VE PICKED UP ON HUMAN BIOLOGY. INSULTS DON'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE."

"Of course I know you picked up on human biology. I know about that stash of books that you keep at home about human biology and how you've read everyone one of them."

"GOODBYE, JOHN."

"It's been nice talking to you, Karkat. Goodbye. Or, toodle-oo in Jake's words."

"GOODBYE, EGBERT." I said and I hung up on him. "Fucking shitsponge." I mumbled into the phone. And I guess for a moment I experienced the thrill of 'happy'. Then I realized what the next step of this all would be.


	11. Consulting Advice - Chapter 10

My phone buzzed with the daily text.

 _It's plain to see_

 _But I came to love you anyway_

 _So you pulled my heart out_

 _And I don't mind the bleeding_

 _Any old time you keep me waiting_

 _I got a love that keeps me waiting_

 _I'm a lonely boy_

 _Am I born to bleed?_

 _Any old time you keep me waiting_

 _I got a love that keeps me waiting._

The Black Key's Lonely Boys. He always was a fucking hipster. In came another buzz from the phone. This one must've been in his own word. The daily Strider attempts. And I can't say that it didn't make my stomach clench, but I can't say it struck me like a boulder anymore either. I had a heartbreak in recovery.

 _firstly, i just wanted u to know the song isn't romantic, but the lyrics are. i didn't do the things everyone said, but i'm guessing you know that now. i miss you. i just wanted to make sure you knew. i don't think u're still there anymore, reading these, you probably changed numbers, but in case you do i just want you to know that i still care. i just, i hope u're better. no tricks. just the truth. good luck with life. i'm not gonna give up._

I sighed, embedding myself in blanket. I got up. I brushed my teeth in the lavatory room. I peeled off my clothes. I felt my numbness. I fell into a new set of clothes, there was no more sleeping in the same clothes from grief. I went to the counter, there was no more having Rose make you cereal. I poured froot loops and accepted the errored spelling as advertising, there was no more yelling at them all for being flavored the same. I sat down at the kitchen counter in a high chair and had my cereal. I glanced at flowers and chocolates and card after card after card in the trash solely to see if there was a new arrival. Rom-com after new rom-com sat in a pile in the corner of the kitchen, where Kanaya had put it as a form of 'tough-love' psychology she was trying. All my favorite films, brand new, from who it's obvious.

"Hey, Karkat," Rose slipped into the kitchen. No more over-sleeping for Vantas. "How are you?"

"I'm good." I replied back. It was the first time.

A smile landed on her face like a petal through the wind. "That's good." And as she went and made her own breakfast, offering to make me an egg that I accepted, I took out my phone. Kanaya helped verbally. Sollux was always there for fun. Terezi gave me comfort. John gave me more assurance. Rose helped me health-wise, but there was still one person I needed to call for closure on choices.

*******' _Time waits for no one'(~The Girl Who Leapt Through Time)******_

"Hey." I opened the door, and a normal person would've smiled, but not me because I'm a fucking dick.

"Hey, Karkitty." Came the reply from the perky troll, but with a sad, considerate, smile. I was surprised. It wasn't like Nepeta to be like that. The shine was still in her eyes. So, wait, no. That's just understanding, not actual sadness. I walked over into the kitchen - which was just an extension from the living room in the apartment. "Can I come innn?" She elongated her words in that way that always made her seem full of energy.

"Why do you think I called, Nepeta." I stated sarcastically, already at the kitchen and pulling a box of teabags from a cabinet. She strolled into the room, and sat over on the sofa, so I could see her over the counter. "Do you want some tea?'

"What kind?"

"Catnip."

"Oh, yes, please!" And then, that's when I smiled slightly to myself. A sort of half smile. As I set up water in the kettle and set it to boil. Then I turned around and continued the conversation, leaning on the counter.

"So, you know why I called you?" I asked, sounding probably a bit pissed off that she did.

The troll was a bit hesitant to answer. Her eyes wandered onto the floor. "Yess." I'd been surprised she hadn't used any of her cat puns.

"Well, I need some advice. And everyone might be comforting, but I need fucking _relationship_ advice, the kind that I can only give myself, but there's no other Karkat- thank GOG- and so I needed to see if I could find an expert when it came to these affairs. You're the only other one I could think of." Her eyes brightened at that and Nepeta's lips curled in a smile. All I could do was continue talking and pour out boiled water into a cup with a tea bag inside. "I mean, there's Kanaya but she's already going for 'tough-love' and I appreciate it, but it's different to the kind of advice you give. Even though, you don't go out much and spend most of your time online."

"A complement's a complement, Karkat!" She said happily.

"Yeah, yeah," I dismissed. Maybe if I wasn't a Karkat, I wouldn't have to hide the sense of happiness that rubbed off on me when good people around me were happy. It makes you just that little bit warmer.

"So what's the problem?-"

"Well," I said. Talking too soon. Ugh, it's a habit. Now she's gonna think I'm gonna drone on for hours. "It's just, this whole Dave thing."

"I know," Came the reply. She sounded just like trying too hard to show me she was paying attention and there, but I wasn't dodged; Nepeta gives excellent relationship advice for someone who hasn't been in a redrom or any relationship other than moirailship.

"Well," I'm saying 'well' too much, fuck. "It's not like the whole thing that's going around anymore. I KNOW for fact now that he didn't cheat on me, I just - ughhhh." If I wasn't carrying a cup of catnip tea, and another of earl gray, I would be facepalming. I placed them onto the coffee table sitting between Nepeta and I before sitting on the sofa across from her. (A/N: I have a map of this whole place on the MEDIA section, if you want to try to understand the scene better.).

"I don't know if he's the one, but I want to be with him, and I want to see him, and I want this all to end and I don't want to be confused anymore." All of the sadness I'd exhibited the past few days was gone. It was all back to reacting with aggravation. "Long story short, Nepeta," I looked up and into her. Just the way she leant forward and her head tilted slightly as she held the tea in her hand and sipped. She was listening intently. "I just, I don't know if this is one of those cases where I should stay with the other being or if I need to get over them." Now I got to ruffle my hair in aggravation.

These past few weeks I hadn't cared who saw me how, how I looked, what emotions I failed to conceal. I'd learned that sometimes it was okay to show everyone you were sentient and living. The right people won't judge you or care if you do. They'll help you out of it in their own way. Friends don't need big emotional secrets. There's no need to conceal what should be and often times is obvious.

"Hmmm," Nepeta pondered, looking for words. "Karkat?"

"Yes?"

"How do you feel when you see Dave?" That pierced me. _Impaled_ me. I'd felt it, but I'd never considered it as a factor.

"Like everything inside me just fucking self combusts, insinerates, is corroded by sulfuric acid."

"Does your stomach flutter?" My mouth dropped and one of my eyebrows raised. I didn't think of it.

"Yeah, I guess, but-"

"How about your heart?" My heart. My heart.

"It flutters? It pounds. It skips beats. It feels like my aorta is being put through a shredder."

"How many times a day do you think about ' _he that shan't be named'_ in a day?"

"How many times _don't_ I?"

"What color was Dave's t-shirt the first day he tried to talk to you again?"

"Beige sweater." I groaned.

"Do you want to be around him all the time?"

 _"Yes, but I can't."_

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a self-pitying paranoid jerk, who has no clue how to trust their boyfriend and fucks up EVERYTHING WITH TRUST ISSUES whenever they get something good."

"Karkat, _no_ , that's not true."

"Shut the fuck up, it totally is." I buried my face in my hands. I felt like crying, but my eyes were dry. My tear ducts were abandoned reservoirs.

"Karkat, _listen_." I tried looking at her eyes, I really did, but I couldn't. "You still love him, believe it or not. You're not a jerk. It was just a misunderstanding or series of unlucky actions that were misinterpreted, maybe that's an understatement. Everyone has misunderstandings, and every relationship is tested with a hill or more than a few and not always a hill, sometimes a mountain. _Everything_ happens for a reason."

"That's bullshit."

"Just the last part, but the rest is trueee." It's true.

"Karkitty," She leant over the table until she was close. Her kiss landed on the side of my cheek, lips warmed by the tea. We stayed that way momentarily. Then it was over. She pulled back away slowly, taking in the action. Oh no, crap, my face is going red. What the hell was that? Ughh, I'm on overdrive. No. My mind is empty.

"Karkitty, I have feelings for you that I know you'll never EVER reciprocate for me." She began, and I could look over at her now. What was happening? wHat? WHAT? "When you see me, none of those things that we mention happen to you. But when you look at Dave? You know that I'm right. Just use me as a comparison and you'll know that what you and Dave have is special. You've learned a lot since the last time I caught sight of you." With that remark, tea finished, and feeling she had said her advice, Nepeta got up. All I could do blindly was follow her and stand.

"Even if myou feel like he does pawful things to you, it's just your nerves. Get over those. Ask yourself, what kind of cheater cheater pumpkin eater would try _this hard_ to get you to love him again and realize he's innocent? None! And you got the whole 'gay' speech from John, how could he and Dave had had anything?"

"How the fuck did you know that?!"

"Now I do." She acted so cooly about it all, smiling, and playing the understanding act. She moved towards the door. I followed. My mind was still uncured from the kiss. Why was I carrying the tea cups over to her? Mine and hers, _both._ In either hands. "Karkat, when you feel up to it, give yourself a few minutes to let it all out. Let it go. Let yourself feel your shoulders shake and get that release. Then after two minutes of a pity party, pick up those broken pieces and fit the puzzle. Then, I want you to go and get a few things straight with 'STRIDER' as you call him."

"No, _no._ I don't speak like that."

" _No._ I do your voice purrfectly." She laughed. "The tea was excellent, and your puresence was better, I just hope the talk was helpful. Thank you for calling me over."

"Nepeta, I'm sorry," I couldn't help but say it. All the words in my head were picking themselves up and falling. I sighed. "Someday you'll find the perfect person for you. The 'purrfect' 'purrson' if you want."

"Oh, I know," Came the confident reply with a nod. "Don't worry. Don't think, just _do._ " She walked through the main door she'd opened herself for her exit. I watched her as she walked down the hallway in that signature long green coat.

"Nepeta!" My shouts down the hallway were filled with a certain dumbfoundedness. "What about your tea!" Wow, what even are words, what the fuck am I speaking.

"It's finished!" She shouted back, and I'd realized that I'd been holding the empty cup AND she'd mentioned it to be before. I'm such a genius.

I walked back into the living room replaying what had just happened, conversation and kiss. What had just happened? How could she have been so wise about that sort of stuff? Did she read it in fanfictions? Or dream it or have some sort of weird secret romance I didn't know about?

But she was right. _Right._ And not just a little right, _very right_. Now I needed to do something. Now I needed to put things into actions. Now

I needed to just think over a bit more

on what had just happened.


	12. From The Barely Conscious - Chapter 11

_~~~~NOT THE ~ USUAL POV~~~_

I gasp for air and behind my eyelids I see red as I'm hit with light. My breath was torn and came out shredded. How long did the nightmare last this time? I wince as I feel a sharp pain in my neck when I move it. I can't feel one leg below the knee. How do you even sleep in that position? How did I end up in that position?

I must've fallen asleep after my face-well was out of water. My mind's gone static without any organized thought. This is fucking impossible. I don't know how much longer I can handle this. I don't know if I'll ever be better. It's like I'm suffering from drug withdrawal and it doesn't get better. Karkat withdrawal. It nearly makes me smile, but I don't. I can't. I don't smile anymore. Not even sparingly. I just don't. And when I do it's served with a dose of sadness and a large pill of hysterical laughs. Afterwards, I don't even feel like getting up. I feel like I'm sick.

The only reason I even bother opening my eyes anymore is just so that I can attempt to talk to Karkat with my one-sided texts and conversations with him. The only reason I'm motivated to do anything is the thought that maybe I could do something to bring Karkat back, but as the days, weeks, and nearing _month_ go by without him, the motivation is being drained. Soon, I don't think I'll have any at all. I'll just lie down one day and I won't open my eyes again. Not to get food. Not to do anything. Is it possible to go into comatose from sadness? Is it possible to die? Probably not, Dave, you're such an overdramatic loser.

"This is why no one calls." My voice echoes. Even though I say it out loud and it's from my mouth - I can barely hear it. "This is why when they do you don't answer." No one calls. They used to - I used to answer when Terezi and John would call and I answered once when Kanaya said she needed to pick some more of Karkat's stuff up. A lot of Karkat was gone in this house. There was barely anything left of the little troll. Yet, there was still so much that reminded me of him that I felt like I was wading through a river of burning wax.

 _You're just sadistic. Karkat probably didn't deserve you anyways. You knew this would happen. And you always knew you would break his heart. You always do Dave. It's just your job. To hurt the people closest to you._

Everywhere I went I heard voice. My voice. Even as I got up from my bed and moved for the bathroom. They followed me.

 _He always hated the way your feet were so loud in the mornings. Why didn't you try harder to change? You're a horrible boyfriend. You only realize something was good when it's ripped away from you suddenly. You should've been more grateful before you decided to spend half of your day working and then going out without telling anyone. You should've been more open. You shouldn't have been such a douchey poser, trying to look cool, when everyone knows you're faking it._

I look up at the mirror. Broken red eyes. Dry plaster colored skin. Puffy cheeks. Chapped lips. Shiny, _greasy_ blonde hair. A new, blonde stubble. Fuck. I need to get rid of that. I haven't shaved for days it looks horrible. Blonde stubbles suck. Only for that guy in the Notebook. Only for that one guy.

I grab a razor and shaving cream and start off. How long HAS it been since I shaved? 1, 2 - who cares. Maybe I'd remember if I could count the days. I look down and Karkat's tooth brush is still sitting on the side of the sink. We'd actually argued about those in the store. Who could get the red one and who could get the "-oW, SHIt." Just like that I have two cuts on my face in different places. The mirror shows one red spot centered on my right cheek and one flowing stream alongside the side of my mouth. Crap, I'm unfocused.

"Dave, what the hell are you doing you asswhore?" I look at myself, disgusted for a moment at the wreck I've become. Then, I stop, because I'm not looking at myself, just deciding to let the cuts on my face bleed the little amount they'll bleed and I go out of the bathroom to look at the box that stands on the end of my bed. Its cardboard walls were labelled Karkat's stuff in my messy handwriting. I'd put the idea together. At this point, I knew that Karkat might not want to get together again. It occured to me, and painful as it was, I had to deal with myself. I had to put up with it. I had to respect his decisions. No, meant no. I'm going to try my best. I'll jump as high as I can, but I know that the fall might be long and the impact more than hurtful. And if there is no floor beneath me, I'll land on the ground with every one of my bones broken, but it was better than not having a chance of getting back with Karkat.

The box was filled to the brim with notebooks and his favorite romcoms and his favorite sweaters and sketchbooks and photos of him with friends - only one of them I'd put in there featuring me - and pairs of socks, because I knew he would've lost them all by now. Freaking sock goblins. Everything in the box I knew he'd be missing. The only things in the box so far that would remind him of me was the fact that the box was from our house, and the one photo.

If it hurts him, I don't want him to remember me as much as one can possible not remember someone. The only thing I want is to make sure he knows I didn't do anything and that I miss him. I don't want to guilt trip him or cause him pain or twist him into getting back together with me, because I know that if I had a female clone (though I might SAY otherwise) I would never date her. She'd be a hurtful, emotionless, bitch. Just like I'm a hurtful, emotionless, prick for ever even making Karkat fall in love with me. I nearly wish I hadn't confessed my love for him or had ever said 'i love you, Karkat'. I would have rather just seen him every day and know that I couldn't have him in the way I wanted, than to have done him so much pain.

I hope, he leaves me so that he won't have to take any more of my shit.

I'll deal.

I'll hope.

As long as it makes him happy.

I move along down wooden stairs. If I could I'd never go down these stairs again. That horrible day where everything went wrong started when I'd gone downstairs. I've never had a photographic memory, but for some reason after the.. fight.. memories came out picturesque and flooded me whatever I saw. You could hand me a spoon, and I'd remember that the first time Karkat and I slept in the house after we'd bought it we'd had cereal for breakfast. You could hand me a ruler and I'd remember how I'd always have to ask to borrow Karkat's ruler in the last year of highschool because I was the kid that never brought one.

"I must've been so fucking annoying." I say to myself. The microwave handle is in my hand and contrasts with the frozen hotpocket in my other hand. It's what I've been having for breakfast ever since that day. Karkat always cooked, so I don't touch the stove. I want him to at least keep that part of the stove himself. Besides, I'm not bothered with cooking. I just need something to keep going. I need to finish this.

As the hotpocket sits in the microwave getting burnt, I shove newspaper after newspaper that I never actually read off of the table. One photo of Karkat and I falls onto the floor and my eyebrows lift in the middle. My breath is once again shattered in a sigh, and I open up the computer and enter the password in one try.

I'm determined.

I have to.

And I go on iPhoto and I set up an editing application before checking to make sure that the CD is in the computer.

The microwave goes off. The hotpocket burns my hands, and I nearly have the energy to care.

I wonder what time it is? I say, grabbing a cold cup of coffee from the refridgerator. I wonder when I started putting coffee inside of the refridgerator overnight?

The laptop screen tells me the time.

And I'm having breakfast, at 2 o'clock

in the morning.

But I'm determined.

And I'll finish this.

To think.

We broke up

when I was planning

to trigger what was going

to cause

everything to happen.


	13. A Start To The Day - Chapter 12

_I'm really intent on this and I never thought it would catch on - I started it just to fill the time! I started this when I barely even knew Karkat and Dave but still shipped them._

 _Oh well, I'm glad you all enjoy it! And we're not at the end yet._

My eyes open lightly, gently. I'm breathing. For another day. I don't even know if I'd have thought that possible a few weeks ago, but the world is full of surprises-shit I sound just like a fucking romcom. No cheesy inspirational phrases that are as obvious as John's closeted homosexuality. As if on que, my phone buzzes. I'm not gonna bother to explain it, you all know the drill.

 _Dave 5:30am_

 _This is gospel for the fallen ones locked away in permanent slumber_

 _Assembling their philosophies from pieces of broken memories_

 _Oh (This is the beat of my heart)_

 _Don't try and sleep through the end of the world_

 _Or bury me alive_

 _'Cause I won't give up without a fight_

 _If you love me let me go_

 _If you love me let me go_

 _'Cause these words are knives and often leave scars_

 _The fear of falling apart_

 _Truth be told I never was yours_

 _The fear, the fear of falling apart_

 _(This is the beat of my heart)_

 _The fear, the fear of falling apart._

 _5:32am_

 _I know that there are no odds to fight for anymore and so I'm going to stop. I think that today's the last day I'm going to give you anything. It's just, I always thought we'd last longer than this. Feel free to move on if you want. It's not an option available for me and I think you should take it for your sake._

"Good morning, Karkat." Came a sleepy Rose. I was back to waking up early, and getting up in the morning. She was dressed in purple pajamas that were long-sleeved and with long pants that flowed at her feet. Walking in, she was rubbing her eye like a cat before her eyes saw me at the stove cooking.

"'morning." I grumbled, slightly embarrassed. I fumbled with a fork I was using to flip over bacon on the frying pan. Maybe if I didn't look over to at her she wouldn't notice how dark red my face was going. There was no fucking way in this miserable shitcrater of a biome-sphere planet anyone here is going to find out what my blood color is.

"Wait, are you making breakfast?" Rose questioned, taking a deep yawn midsentence. I'd always pinned Rose down as the 'look-at-me-i-can-be-up-and-smiling-instantly' type in the mornings. I guess it took a while for her to adjust.

"No, I'm making dinner. Your ridiculous human body forced itself to fall into a deep slumber and now you've woken up. It's been a week." I shoot back.

"That would make a good book sometime." Was she really so tired that she didn't care to reply properly?

Kanaya, a usually unseen person up until around 8:30am, starts moving into the kitchen in her green bathrobe. She's already put on the bases for her makeup - just some foundation for the mornings. I bet she wakes up with bags under her eyes she forces away with makeup. She'd never let us see her in any state other than 'fashionably ready'. Well, they'd seen me in every kind of state now.

"Good morning, Karkat." Came Kanaya as she started moving in for the kitchen. "How are you today?"

"I literally just went over this with Rose. Rose, can't you explain?" Rose sat at the counter her head leaning on one hand and a thin line of drool coming out of her mouth. Fuck, Rose, get a hold of yourself; don't fall asleep on the counter insistently mumbling _coffee. coffee. coffee. "_ Here you go." I said, and slid a cup of coffee across the counter - warm from the coffee machine and done just the way she liked it. Half a spoonful of sugar, another half a spoonful of stevia, and Nespresso's expresso. Zombie-Rose extended her hands to the cup without even opening up her eyes.

"Rose stayed up all night reading that wizard based series with the triplicy of magic infused humans that fight the humanoid lacking proper breathing cartilage on his face-" Kanaya explained, as though she had to make up for her girlfriend's behaviour. "Karkat, you don't have to do anything. You don't have to make us breakfast."

"Shut up, Kanaya of course I have to." I turned around at that point and aimed the spatula in my hand over at the jade blooded troll. I must looked like that dictator lusus scolding their designated troll. "Now do you want your eggs sunny side up, or well done and do you want more water absorbed soft style bacon or harder dehydrated bacon or no bacon and eggs. Do you just want cereal? I've made pancake mix if you guys really want it."

"Something smells delicioussss," Rose said, alert enough to upgrade her talking level but still too sleepy to support the weight of her head without her hand.

Kanaya sighed and I couldn't tell if it was aimed at me or Rose. "I'll have the eggs cooked through and the bacons cooked crisped and umm if it's possible, could you-"

"Not give you any extra bacon grease? I know these things Kanaya." I said, not even needing to look up. "How about you Rose? What could you go fo-"

"Mmm. Pancakesss." Roses reply was near instant.

"That's what the spare pans are for, Rose." I pointed out and I went for the refrigerator to take out the resting pancake batter.

"What is all this for?" Kanaya asked as though she had no clue in her detailed filled mind what this was about. She was probably just asking to be polite. I didn't care about that.

"Yeah,Karkat, whazitfor?" Rose slurred. How long would the coffee take to kick in with her? Another thing, why were the two currently psychedelic inter species fathers asking the virtually the same motherfucking questions? What the human hell is up with that? Is it like, a troll-human female thing?

"Use your brains and put the fucking pieces together; I'm thanking you." Kanaya's eyes looked surprised and taken, while Rose's smile softened in a not-smart alec way. "I'm showing you that you guys are what got me once again as smooth running as one of Sollux's program's and back to being as complicated a Karkat as ever. How would I have ever reached that without your help." I sounded sarcastic on reflex.

"Awww, Karkat." Rose got up and opened up her arms. The gesture of wrapping her arms around my torso was already enough to tell me parts of her were tired. "You know you're only using sarcasm as a defense mechanism set up by your species inexplicably high standard social norms."

"And you know you're only wrapping your human skinned arms around me as a form of self consolation to get up your levels of happy chemicals in your blood. Not to mention because parts of you are evidently still suffering from that deep REM sleep humans randomly get."

"I know." She said, patting my back and I felt completely comfortable standing there for a moment just accepting the gesture. "I know." Then I set my goals back to food.

"Now let go of me before I burn your compensation gifts." And she let go moving on to watch me cook as though it was an intricate practice she'd never seen.

"Oh, Kanaya I nearly forgot to tell you. I have earl gray tea in the fridge iced and ready for your consumption."

Distressed noises came from the other troll present in the room. "Karkat," Kanaya smiled and walked over to me as well. I turned around in slightly confused expression so I was standing parallel to her. She picked up my hands and held them in hers and looked up at me. What? Were those tears?

"I'm so. Proud of you." She said, moving my hands and hers up and down with every word. Wow this was. Much more overdramatic than I thought it would be.

"Yes, okay, I owe it to you both for your psychological help. You can stop acting like one of those human 'Moms' or whatever they're called. Jegus." She smiled, nearly sadly, but her lip, and she made her face stern. It told me, you know what to do about the situation now. It's up to you. And I wanted to grab her shoulders and go 'I know' but fuck if I'm gonna have another emotional conversation with her after these past few weeks. I've worn down her capacity for this kinda shit.

Rose finished her coffee and asked me questions about how I knew when the pancakes were ready (when they bubble up) and then about 'HOW I MADE THEM SO GOOD'. Kanaya drank her tea and thanked me so many fucking times I was close to making her lunch too just because she'd outweighed the scales of being nice to me once again. I settled down with a English muffin with pressed berries of straws and cheese cream and took in the breakfast.

Then when it was ready I picked up the phone and gave another two trolls and a human some pretty graceful calls.

"KK what are you doing calling me at this time. I was gonna thleep for three more fucking hours. You better be dying."

"First thing to point out, ITS 9AM HOW MUCH LONGER COULD YOU POSSIBLY STAY IN YOUR RESPITEBLOCK FOR YOU BLITHERING FECULENT SHITHOLE. Second of all, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND ITLL BE AT LEAST A LEVEL 5 ON THE SCALE OF THE 'THIS IS WORTH OVERSTIMULATED CAPTORS BRAIN TIME.'"

"Hello. This is detective berrybreath, what sort of mind boggling problems can I solve for you today? It better be worth my while."

"YES HELLO BERRYBREATH I NEED YOU TO COME OVER RIGHT NOW AND MAKE SURE THAT IDIOT CAPTOR IS ON HIS WAY, TOO."

"I'm on it, Karklez! I mean." Terezi put on a deep voice. "I'm on it person I do not know for sure."

"Hello? Who is this?"

"Jade, it's the modern era. There IS such thing as Caller ID. I'm not so big a fucking moron that I created a planet without Caller ID."

"What's up?" You could tell Jade was trying to change the subject before I inevitably pissed her off.

"I need you to lug your human form over to Kanaya and Rose's apartment right. Now."

"I'll be there soon as possible-"

"NOW."

"Okay fine! Fine! I'm going NOW."


	14. Little Big Consequences - Chapter 13

I opened the piece of wood on hinges, walked through its frame, and closed the hinged wood behind me before placing my car keys on the door counter back where everyone always kept it. I slipped out of my jacket and put it up on a coat hanger that Kanaya and Rose always kept around. It was a colder day today, and the drive over to Nepeta's house and John's had been in turn cold with the vehicle's heating machinery being completely and utterly dysfunctional due to its being a shitty vehicle and secretly hating me behind my back.

So I gave everyone that had helped me out to be at the mended emotional state something. So what? They're still idiots in my books, but they deserved it. Since you're probably curious as shit and nosy as Vriska is a bitch, have a shitty-ass summary.

After breakfast, I invited Sollux, Jade, and Terezi over to Kanaya and Rose's apartment hence the phoning and the using of the excellent furnace that created that 'good smell' Rose was talking about. When they came over I gave them a thanks, I guess, and each a cupcake I'd made to which Sollux joked about me totally being flushed for him now and Terezi and Jade going 'too soon, Sollux.' Then Sollux mumbled his thanks and you're welcomes for the cupcake, asked for another, I denied him, we went back to being frenemies, and Terezi and Jade did the same. Except Jade gave probably the most sincere you're welcome speech and Terezi slotted in a 'NOW, WILL YOU ROLEPLAY WITH ME?' and I said no.

Then, there came John's house. I wrote a short apology card for John that was all inspirational and what not, and left a cupcake at his doorstep.

Lastly,Nepeta. I rang the doorbell, and she was there with that sweaty other blue troll that gets the biggest bulge boner at the slightest mention of horses. Then I said thanks, and I told her that she was right, I couldn't reciprocate any emotions for her, and she was okay with that, and I gave her a cupcake and then I hurried right the fuck off because that condescending highblood suffering from a stage 4 of highly developed horsephilia was staring at me the whole time to make sure I wasn't being an asshole to his moirail. Then I left and potentially smiled before leaving. I'm living my own sad little rom-com with underpaid actors and a shitty main character.

When my toe stubbed into something on the floor;

That's when I saw the box.

"OW, FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKK. UGH, LIFE. UGH, COMMUNICATION. UGH, NERVES. UGH, FUCK." Pain shot through me and I stumbled back into the door caressing my foot. "KANAYAAAA!" I shouted not really paying attention to the box. "YOU GOT A DELIVERY." And it fucking murdered my toe. I would add, but I didn't. What the fuck is the box anyways?

I leant over, wincing at my toe and having to frown to make out the messy writing on the box. _KARKAT'S STUFF._ It read. In red and I knew who it was from. I winced again, not from my toe this time. Wow, the universe was doing a good job at making my toe mirror the emotional pain it caused to see that box.

I dragged the box over to the middle of the coffee table and sat down on the sofa. I stared at the box. I stared at it so much that if it was sentient it would've thought I was a creep. Not today. Not today. No, this is filling my head with doubts. What if Dave actually wants me to go? He's sending the box over. Maybe in this time, he's moved on – no, that's impossible even if I AM an insufferable prick. If he'd sent me a box of chocolates yesterday he wouldn't have moved on by today. No, I wish he didn't do this. Hadn't done this. Fuck. Even my thoughts aren't straight anymore. Dammit Strider. Why do you have this power over me? This always happens, even in the slightest whenever any big gesture happens.

"The box." I said to myself. "The box, wait, fuck, I said that out loud?" Now I'm talking to myself. Really? No that's something Dave Strider does. Not Karkat Vantas. No. Srider. Not Vantas. Strider. Not Vantas.

Strider.

 _Dave_ Strider.

I opened the top of the box – which didn't take much effort because it hadn't been taped shut. It'd been made in a hurry. Inside, I saw that one beige sweater I always wore, and another gray one. There were endless amounts of the last of my romcoms (which I DON'T watch, because that's not for Vantas, nope). There were my photo frames that (FUNNILY ENOUGH) framed the photos that were in them. There was one of me and Sollux with a roller coaster behind from the first time I'd been to an 'amusement park' though I can assure you there is nothing fucking fun about a falling car as it rolls off a cliff. There was a photo of John and I where I was swatting away John's hand giving me bunny ears mid photo.

There was one of Dave and I – one of his ironic selfies. While holding the camera, he was giving me a peck on the cheek while MY cheeks were going red. Gog, I HATED that photo, but he loved it. He said it was the only one where I showed any emotion besides red hot 'cover rage'. I always told him that it was the only one where he was showing any emotion at all. He'd smile back at me and say it was the only one where we both showed abnormal emotions. Then I'd look away and go red, and he'd peck my cheek again. So the cycle went. The photo showed our relationship was a cycle. That we wouldn't grow out of it. You can't get out of a fucking circle.

My thoughts are becoming repetitive, shit. This is shit. All of it. Fuck. Stop reading it.

Sitting on top of everything else just to be the ribbon on a human present was a CD. My heart clenched? What was on it? WHAT IF HE WAS COMMITTING SUICID- NO GOGDAMMIT KARKAT, HE WOULD NOT. YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MANY FILMS AND THIS IS NO JOKING MATTER OR SUBJECT TO BE BROUGHT UP. He would not. Dave Strider wouldn't.

Distressed noises came out of my mouth as I wondered what to do. A moment later I was up on my feet. I was rushing for my laptop. I was rushing for the CD. I was rushing to the sofa to watch or listen to or do whatever the hell the CD/DVD would do. Fuck, I would see what was on it. I don't want to, but I need to. For Dave. I hope for his sake whatever shows up doesn't make me change my mind about my decision of whether to stay with him or not.

I can hear the DVD spin in the computer. It's torturing, every second of it is like nails on a chalkboard. This'll ruin my life here's the thing that will ruin my life. I bury my face in my palms and let my hair overflow over my face. I can't watch this. I mean, I knew Dave made films and sometimes put them on youtube but this couldn't be one of them.

" _Hey Karkat. Hey. Little dude."_ I could hear Dave's voice coming from the computer. Am I supposed to know why that makes me take my hands out of where they are clawing out my eyes?

" _WHAT."_ My voice could stab someone if it were a knife. I'm sitting at a desk, looking like I'm trying to focus. Where the hell did he get this? I don't remember this.

" _I dunno."_ Strider's remark came by. He sounded so happy at that time. I knew he was happy then. I wasn't so sure now. All thanks to me.

" _WHAT."_

 _"I dunno."_ WHAT DOES HE MEAN HE DOESN'T KNOW WHY HE SAID MY NAME HE OBVIOUSLY DOES.

" _WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW, STRIDER? IT'S FUCKING OBVIOUS THAT YOU DO. YOU KNOW WHAT'S THE REASON? LET ME EDUCATE YOU SHITHEAD, IT'S BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO PROVOKE SOME SORT OF REACTION FROM ME. WELL, YOU'RE NOT GETTING IT."_ GOG, I HATE MYSELF. YOU JUST DID GIVE HIM A REACTION. HOW STUPID COULD YOU BE? I HATE MYSELF FROM – WHAT 3 YEARS AGO?

A smug laugh came from the Strider holding the camera and the clip faded to another.

" _Hey, Karkat. Hey. Nubs."_ This time you could see Dave. I was the one holding the camera, things were reversed. I could see his aviator shades and his styled blonde hair. The red t-shirt. Fuck, his old look was hot, I loved that t-shirt and I remember thinking about it all the time.

" _WHAT."_ I said, voice loud.

" _Nothing."_

 _"WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOTHING?"_

 _"You know I did the same thing last year."_

 _"WHAT?"_

 _"I did the same thing last year. This same day. Except today you picked up the camera."_

 _"Why the fuck would you keep something like that up?"_

 _"'Mm dunno."_

 _"Fuck this, I hate this."_ Shit. I remember this. No. I didn't know he had that on film. I don't remember FILMING this day at all. 2 years ago me dropped the phone, but it wasn't off of video. Ughh, I HATE HIM. HE'S SUCH AN IDIOT WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING WITH THAT MISERABLE CONSISTENTLY AGGRAVATED THINKPAN WITH HIM.

WAIT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME THE FILM'S STILL GOING?

"Karkat, no, wait!" Came Dave's voice but I could hear my footsteps stomping away. "Ugh." Dave picked up the camera, which was still on him, but off angle. "What did he do to my phone? Ughh, I can't believe I love that guy." Then he looked directly at the camera at an angle that the camera somehow managed to capture his eyes behind his shades. How is that possible? "Next year, this same day I'll confess to him. I just, it's never the right day. I will by next year. I don't know how much longer I can keep being around him this much without being with him. You'll see, promise." David smiled fully and happily at the camera, and I'd near forgotten that he could smile in that way. I only remembered the smug smile.

What followed were a series of other clips mashup up with photos of Dave and I. There was the time that we went to quite a lavish restaurant on a double date with Kanaya and Rose and stood out like a sore thumb thanks to the fact that two of us were different species and all of us were gay. We hadn't cared. There was that photo of Dave and I where I'm blushing. There's a video of Dave and I where he kisses me unexpectedly just to see my reaction and Sollux passes by before whispering 'gay' at the camera, squinting at me, and going into the opposite room. There was a video of every moment ever gotten on camera that could make me laugh, or smile, or cry, or miss. Fuck it, there was even one where Dave tells John that he probably wants to kiss me, too, and John says 'I am not a homosexual!' like an eagle diving to catch prey. All of them pass until I'm left wondering what there could be left.

There's still parts of the video left.

It's like I blink and Dave's face is on the screen. It's lengthened since the first clip I saw of him. I've seen him without his shades since then multiple times. He isn't wearing them now. The look in his red eyes is softer than that first clip. It's more learned. He has the beginnings of a new stubble' the whites of his eyes are now pink; his hair is in a mess around his head; his clothes look like he hasn't tried.

"Uhh, Hey, Karkat," His voice begins. It sounds like he hasn't talked in a while. He's gotten out of practice. A hand runs through his hair. "If you're watching this." He adds on mostly to himself. I feel the strings inside me tighten. "I just, I wanted to give you one last chance and one last opportunity to get to choose if you really want to be with me or not. I've-" He stops and rubs the back of his neck. It's a human male habit that belongs to Dave.

"I've – I've thought a lot about it and about this and what we have and what we've given, which sounds like a line Morgan Freeman should be saying. We have a house _together_ , we have a room _together_ , we have friends _together_ , we have a love _together._ We've given a lot of things that we previously had to get here, too, both of us. You've given up all that you had on terms of an apartment and your OWN room, and having friends that were exclusively more yours than mine, you had to – I still believe – give up a prejudice against me because why would you fall in love with Strider? You gave up your species' traditions and didn't care that it wouldn't follow my species' traditions either, and you didn't care, you were with me even through sacrifice.

"Then there's what I gave. I gave up on a relationship that had turned meaningless, I gave up on being roommates with John. I gave up 3 years of my life just trying to get the courage to date you and be with you. It's not the same as the amount you gave, it never will be, and I'll make up for it I promise." Dave leant in towards the camera.

"God, I look like shit. I tried cleaning myself up but it wasn't any good." Dave then started smiling. He didn't sound like he was smiling though. "I-I can't think of anything else to say, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm sorry." He didn't sound like he was just saying sorry for not being sure of what to say. "I'm sorry for being a bad boyfriend to you and making you feel like crap when you didn't deserve it, and I'm sorry I had to drag you up into me, it was selfish." Human droplets of hydrogen dioxide solution were coming from his eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just." _Just._ The salty solution was spewing out of him but he still tried to keep them away to no avail.

"Yeah, okay, I'm sorry. Okay? I just, here's your stuff. I'm sorry, I can't. I can't. I can't." He got up from where he had been sitting in the video and flounced to the camera before closing the device's recording facilities and ending the CD. All I could do was sit stunned. I didn't feel _anything._ I felt numb, not like I do most of the time. I blinked, and I closed my computer's lid down without thinking or doing anything to log out. I got up and I rubbed at tears that weren't on my face.

I got up and moved to my jacket on the coat hanger.

I got up and I walked out the door.


	15. Relinquish It And Then Grow - Chapter 14

_Hey guys, this is the last chapter, I'm happy to have anyone read this and I hope it's a good ending. I hope that this story has as much worth as you all do. Thanks for supporting the story and I hope that all forthcoming events for you and all of you guys who've started school already start something big. Good luck in life readers! It's a good one._

 _Once again - thank you._

I move towards the car, keys in hand – mentally apologizing Kanaya and Rose for taking their car for so long. It's hard to imagine that they're comfortably walking through the park right now, probably hand in hand. It's hard to imagine anyone happy right now when I'm in thisstate. Someone's probably out there smiling and saying this is the best day of my life while I'm here wondering why everything decided to happen today. Someone's probably out there having their first kiss – and I'm here. Other people won't remember this day like I'll remember today. Where did I fuck everything up to this point? What led me to this complete instinctual state I'm going through? The only thought that is in bold in my mind is _what if this goes wrong? What if? What if? Those fucking 'what if's are what get you._

The keys turn to water in my hand. "UGH, FUCK. FUCK. Fuck. No. Yes! No. Click the fucking thing!" I scream at the set of directional buttons just trying to get the vehicle to click click and show me it's okay with me leaping into its insides and taking control of it like a crazy Earth dictator without the funny facial hair. FINALLY THE VEHICLE COMPLIES AND DOES THE CLICK CLICK. The front door nearly rips out from the force I open it with. Dave and mine's house is just under half an hour away, and if I speed up the vehicle's pace I could manage to get there in less than five. I must be making a shit ton of frustrated noises now, everyone must be wondering what the hell this freak is doing in the car. If only they knew what the hell I've been through in the past few weeks. I hope their week hasn't been a crappy as mine.

I pass the string of bad quality material over myself and clip it into the side metal pocket for safety before starting up the car. Music blasts out of the vehicle's music-holes and I damn near squawked from the heavy amount of classical sounding shit that came out before changing it to another station. This one had some of that 6 stringed wooden pear-resembling instrument that I couldn't help but like. It was playing something slow.

Then I slammed into the thought.

 _I'm going to see Dave._

And it's not just that I'm going to see Dave – I'm going to talk to him. I'm going to HAVE to talk to him. I'm going to have an interaction with him where I don't ignore him. SHIT. NO. I don't want to; I have to. I don't need to. Ever. Again; I really really do. I need him: I don't. I don't need him; I do. Blonde eyes and red hair – fuck, I can't even describe him properly. Is that how long I haven't seen him for? Where my nerves switch to deterioration whenever I think about seeing him again?

 _What he did to me_. The whole past weeks of pain and doubts and unbearable thoughts stab into me. _Was the worst shit I've ever had to go through._

That morning started out so peacefully. Waffles and blood with a side dose of uncontrollable anxiety and paranoic self-questioning. John racing around the house, and me having to find out nearly 3 weeks later it was just because he'd ACTUALLY fallen asleep in our house. Being out of breath and running so far I reach the café. Seeing someone pinning down someone else and a broken window and my old phone is broken in turn. Glass cuts. Police sirens. My cries and a friend.

The tears that were a part of me back then become a part of me again now. I don't even have time to notice my throat is clenching before the hydrogen and oxygen compound is flooding my vision. Here I was forgiving him. I'm such a PUSHOVER MY LUSUS HELP ME.

I growl slightly between amidst tears. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm not SUPPOSED to be – my BOYFRIEND/MATESPRIT/KISMESIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THIS TO ME. NO ONE'S SUPPOSED TO DO THIS TO ME, IT'S NOT RIGHT TO BE THIS ATTACHED TO SOMEONE WHO'S DONE SUCH HORRIBLE THINGS TO YOUR HEAD. All of that contained emotions and all the emotions I had thought I'd finished with gather up inside me. They're flooding out my brain all at once.

I shouldn't forgive him, part of my love should be gone. Part of everything that Dave has ever meant to me shouldn't be there. Some parts of his story still DON'T make sense – like why the HUMAN HELL WAS JOHN IN THE HOUSE UNLESS I'M STARTING TO SEE THINGS – but I just can't. Think. Clearly. Anymore. With part of my trust in him, maybe the only thing I feel I've lost, some of my sanity goes, too. We can't have one without the other or the relationship will crumble. I have to maintain trust in him or else I can't.

That's probably what the hell I'm doing now, trying to pick up the pieces of my sanity too early. It has to be – what other explanation is there? I feel like I'm choking on the pieces of my sanity and on my relationship. I shouldn't be driving like this. I'm counting down the minutes to when I'll get there. There's 20 more still, and I'm fucking losing EVERYTHING.

There's no one else on the road right now and there are no houses in the area. It's probably the only reason I can crack like this, there's nothing more that I can do, nothing else I can think about that will make this story end differently. I'm sorry for you and for myself that it couldn't end with me being strong enough to leave Dave or for something bigger to build or for more tention ; I just _can't do this anymore._

14 minutes. I'm such a wreck. My breathing is starting to recuperate. I have to hold my windpipe so that I don't sound like a wheezing canine. I need to stop this. This crying needs to stop. I'm Karkat Vantas, I don't do pity parties for myself for longer than a few minutes, but it's been 5. I try focusing my eyesight and it starts to work. _Strider, Karkat. Dave. Strider. You're going to see him._

 _Don't lose your shit._

 _Fucking idiot, what the hell are you doing._

 _He cheated on you_

 _He cheated on you –_ _stop._

 _He cheated on you._

 _He cheated on you –_ _STOP IT._

 _Of course he cheated on y-_

NO HE DIDN'T. I DON'T GIVE A FLYING MISERABLE SHIT OF A FUCK. HE DIDN'T AND THERE ARE EYE WITNESSES TO PROVE IT. THERE HAVE BEEN CALLS. IT'S NOT LIKE HIM. I LOVE DAVE, AND DAVE LOVES ME. IT'S HARDASS CONSOLATION BUT IT'S TRUE, AND IF YOU, _APPAULING THOUGHTS,_ DON'T BELIEVE ME THAN YOU CAN GO SHOVE SOMETHING SHARP RIGHT UP YOUR ASS.

10 minutes. I can finally breathe, but control of my insides is gone and I KNOW my face is still red. I can read street names that I recognize.

It's been 26 days officially since the incident. Can a heart really heal during that time? I've been keeping count. Shit, why am I such a little leechy shitvermin that I have to remember how many days it's been since the incident.

I'd forgiven the fucking douche for EVERYTHING he'd done – what kind of an idiot am I? EVERYTHING.

I-

I-

I can't.

I-

There's the road we live on.

The small street with the humble houses that had just been built. The classy, traditional earth houses that look like they've all been cloned and made the same. All with two floors and a basement. All with a small terrace and garden at the back. All with different interiors that you can't see because the curtains are always down on each other. The only thing you know about the neighbors are that they like to say hello to one another. No one talks about the big things in their lives. No one talks about how there's that one house on the road that lost their shit altogether. That one guy who refuses to come back.

Well he's here now and let me tell you the prick's brain is working so badly he just referred to himself in the third fucking person.

My foot makes the car slow down on the instinct that I don't want to be here. I want to turn the car back around and I want to cease existing. Instead of listening to the screaming voice inside of my head I start clearing away the rest of the evaporated liquid markings that I know are on my face. The transportation device keeps moving forwards and I want to, but for some reason I'm not letting myself put my foot down and turn around the car.

I'm at the front of the house.

What if he's seen me?

What if he knows I've already parked or seen the car?

What's he doing?

Why am I doing this?

Why am I getting out of the car and not parking in the garage? It's my house, why should I have to feel so insecure about going in?

Why am I letting the vehicle door shut behind me?

Why am I standing at the footpath leading up to the house?

Why is this allowed to exist?

Why am I existing?

I stop. The house is the same. The grass outside has grown, the lights look dimmer inside. They don't seem to shine as bright anymore. It's just how I remember it, but it's changed.

Dave must be inside. The house is so quiet. Everything is quiet now in this neighborhood, in the world, in the universe and all the other galaxies. Everything has frozen.

I shouldn't be doing this.

I move forward. The world is spinning again, it's making me dizzy. I'm aware of my heart beating. It's beating. My finger is outside the door-button. My limbs feel like they'll cancel out.. The doorbell echoes in the house.

When the chime is over there's silence.

I don't hear footsteps.

The wind rushes around.

I feel my body temperature go from hot to cold too fast.

He's not here.

He's not here. Go home Karkat.

I turn around and start for the car again as fast as possible. Why am I here? What am I doing? This isn't a romcom, Karkat. Stop turning it into one. All at once, the sound of a door opening drifts through the air. It's not the car door.

He's here. I can tell, I don't have to see him. I have no clue what to do. It's him. There's no one else with that sort of presence. Flashes of blonde hair and red eyes run through my mind. His smile, his different expressions, his face, his skin.

"Karka-" He chokes before he can even finish my name. I'd do the same. His voice isn't how I remembered it. He doesn't let it choke.

I swing around but I'm not looking up as I walk back down the footpath. I blink and my eyes stay there before my gaze shifts to his face.

Blonde hair -longer than I remember it- blurring red eyes. No shades. He's wearing an off-white t-shirt and jeans that don't fit in the right places. There are a few cuts on his face, one on the cheek and one on the side of the mouth. I miss his lips. Kissing them. Feeling his presence. I miss everything about him.

I wish that I'd collapse or that the universe would implode right now. What has he done to himself? How worried has he been? Wow much worry did _I_ cause him? How much pain did _I_ cause him? How much-this is all my fault. I caused him to be this way.

We're just staring directly at each other. Eyes on eyes. I grit my teeth. He looks surprised and sad.

I'm scared that if I say a single word one drop of water will cause the bowl to tip over.

"Dave." I say and I nearly choke on his name just the same. "How _dare_ you," I can't come up with the words to say, can't gather up a proper sentence, not one place I could fit in a swear. This isn't like the movies. In real life you can never sew what to say together. "How _dare_ you think that maybe I want to move out of this house." I finish.

"How dare you make me take Kanaya and Rose's car and drive all the way over here and nearly get a speeding ticket. How dare you make me not _care_ if I would've because you're worth the fine. How dare yo-how dare you make me flip out with just the thought of you. How dare you make me feel like my universe revolves around you and then make the thought of you the last thing I think about on a constant basis – when am I NOT thinking about you? THAT'S THE QUESTION. When is the universe of Karkat's mind not feature you in it?" I'm tripping up on what to say now. I'm repeating phrases like I'm stuck on repeat. "How dare you think that I don't love you for even ONE FUCKING FRAGMENT OF TIME."

"But, also," My words turn vicious. "How _dare_ you make me feel like such shit, shittier than I know I already am.

"How DARE you make me feel like you're fucking your best friend, and like I'm not good enough for you. I mean, I know I'm not but you don't have to TWIST THE KNIFE, DAVE." I said the name, and I can feel every emotional barrier I've ever built get knocked over.

"HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I CAN'T BREATHE AND MAKE ME AN OVER-EMOTIONAL WRECK.

"HOW DARE YOU, HOW _DARE_ YOU FORCE ME TO RECOVER AND JUST WHEN I THINK I'M DONE YOU HAVE TO MAKE SOME BIG DRAMATIC GESTURE BECAUSE YOU JUST LOVE ME SO SHITTING MUCH LIKE BLOODY HELL DAVE, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LOVE ME. ME?! OF ALL BEINGS, WHEN YOU KNOW I CAN'T DEAL WITH CRAP LIKE THIS AND I'M SUCH A FUCKING SHIT TROL. I'M NOT EVEN YOUR FUCKING SPECIES WHEN IT WAS EVIDENT THAT THIS OBSCENE TRASHTALKING SWINE ALIEN WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. WHEN IT WAS OBVIOUS THAT A HUMAN WOULD BE HEALTHIER FOR YOU TO DATE AND A MUCH MORE MORALLY VIABLE CHOICE. WHEN IT WAS OBVIOUS WE'D HIT SOME SORT OF BLOCK LIKE THIS WHEN IT WAS OBVIOUS THAT I WOULDN'T BE THE ONE BREAKING HEARTS RIGHT AS SOON AS WE GOT INTO THIS MESS." I'm not sure if my air ventricles are working right now or if I'm breathing between sentences. His face isn't emotionally stagnant. It looks hurt.

"BUT MOST OF ALL-MOST OF _ALL,"_ I know for fact that my eyes are once again tearing and I don't give a flying fuck if the neighbors can hear my shouting or if I'm causing a scene because I just don't. "MOST OF ALL I'M SO FUCKING SORRY THAT THIS ILLEGITAMATE TRAINWRECK OF A MUTANT HALFWIT IS _FU-_ _cking_ forgiving you for every little thing that caused this situation and that he misread and I'm so fucking sorry that I still fucking love you after everything and that I can't get _OVER you."_ There are tears down my face. Halfway through the sentence I lose the ability to be angry at him.

I laugh slightly. It's hysterical. I'm hysterical. "Why do you get to do this to me? Why do I forgive you? Why am I here? Why am I acting like a total hysterically. oversensitive, melodramatic shithead? I mean, I am one, but fuck-why are you the only one that does this? FUCK." Dave looks like everything's entering him all at once and swarming him, everything that happened.

"I'm sorry, Karkat." His head shakes faintly and his eyes twitch. His arms wrap around me and I hug back so tightly. "I'm so fucking sorry." The words come out in pieces. I can feel his shoulders quaking. I'm squinting away tears. I've wanted for this all to end since the moment it started. It ends now.

 _~~~~'You never really understand a person until you consider things from their point of view – Atticus Finch ''~~~~~_

We can feel each other's heart beating and it's back. It's all back. I've waited and reminisced for so long for having Karkat back and he's here. He's here. I can breathe him in. I can hear his breathing and mine conjoined. I can feel his ribcage moving up and down at the same speed as mine.

How is this happening? What happened to fill in the spaces? The hug moves up and we're kissing. There's no 'I'm kissing' or 'he's kissing' _we're_ kissing. It's sloppy interspecies makeouts, they're a universal constant. Fuck, I've missed him. I've missed him. I miss him still and he's right here in front of me. I've missed him for so long and now he's here and I can't believe it.

Karkat pushes away from me for a moment and looks up. "But you never FUCKING AGAIN do anything that even remotely seems like 'cheating."

"Yes, Karkat." I reply back sincerely before putting lips back on his. Halfway through he pushes away once again.

"And you also better not fucking make me feel like shit or try that whole shades thing on me again or I'll-" This time I just crash my lips into his. I just want to relinquish the moment. Keep him while I have him and stay in the moment. There's no more tears after a while and it's just me and him, pushing and reminiscing as sparks of memories go off in our heads like fireworks. It's back, it's all back. After everything and all that's happened and we're here.

I don't know why the hell all the shit that happened happened; how we reached the point where we couldn't speak to each other without trust being part of the conversation. What I do know is that we both led ourselves to it and any other route would have eventually done the same. I'm wiser, and the relationship is wiser. It's Karkat and I, together, or else the boat will sink. It doesn't matter if it's a different species, or gender, or normal, or which one of us triggered what, every couple has flaws and bumps they can get over. Love is rare to find and rarer to keep. When you find it it doesn't matter how long it lasts it matters how long _you_ make it last and if it's over it doesn't matter that it's over, it matters that you both tried your best and that you treasured every moment you had. You need someone to love, something to look forward to, something you have loved. There's nothing that can change the past. You can try, but if it doesn't work out with the person, than you can't change it.

But enough emotional shit. What matters for me, right now, is that I'm here with the one being I love more than anything in the whole world. I will treasure that. The relationship has grown; we both have grown. We know what not to do. We know what to do if everything else does what not to do, too. I'll cherish it. I won't have any more misunderstandings.

It's funny though,

That this all sprouted from me

Wanting to take the next step.

That the world,

Wanted us to experience this fight before I took that step

Amidst all the chaos

I planned how it'll go, how we'll get there.

After this all,

I know for sure that it's right.

We'll take that next step.

It'll work out.

 _Karkat, we'll go far._


End file.
